Archive is where we store some of the older items from the Forum and Life pages.
Views expressed are those of the writers not those of Gaysia.The Editor also picks up material from various sources on the web which hed considers may be of interest to visitors to this page. If we infringe anyone's copyright please advise us and we will remove material.



Eunuchs in Bangladesh

Why do they do this ?


Hand Signals

Shiva and Arun, A good read

Homosexuality in S.Asia (World views on BBC programme)

Religion and Homosexuality

Information wanted about Pakistani Gay Men

 Pride 2000

Racism on the gay scene(1)

Advice on meeting people you contact on the net

Gays,marriage and unhappy endings

Party raid in Bombay

Out and Muslim

Making the most of contact ads.


I think I've got it sorted !

I hate condoms but like being a 'top'

I like them cut not covered !

I need advice on sex on the internet

A question to be answered one day

I want to lead my own life

A mixed relationship

A married guy


Tribute to murdered gay priest

Funeral of Harish

Keller gets life


Harish was murdered during the early morning of Friday October 20th in a small terrace house in Harrison Road Leicester. Born in Kenya his family came to England in the 1970's and founded a Temple in the Melton Road area of the city.

I first met Harish in 1980 through a friend. At that time he was 22 and with a group of other Asian friends was already enjoying visits to clubs around the Midlands. He stayed a friend of both myself and my partner and was in London with us at West Five just a few days before his tragic death.

I had not intended to put his name on this notice but as his life and personal details are in every newspaper, it seemed only right to use his name. He was going to come again to London in November to help my partner and I celebrate 20 years together and was also looking forward to a trip he planned to India.

Although reports in newspapers and television express suprise by people who knew him about his sexuality, he was in fact never a person who hid away and was very open in his manner.It is due to the bravery of guys like Harish and a small group of other Asian men in the late seventies and early eighties that young Asian guys today can accept their own sexuality whether gay or bisexual, more easily. 

All of us have at some time taken chances with people we meet and there are always people out there who would wish us harm. In the meantime, the gay world has lost a real character, someone who resolved the conflict of sexuality and his religion in his own life and helped many others to do the same. 

It does not seem possible that the phone will never ring again to announce another visit to London nor that we will never see him again. But he will never be forgotten not by us or his many friends both straight bi, and gay.

Rest in Peace


The parents of murdered Hindu priest Harish Purohit said justice had been done as hiskiller was jailed for life. But the family of his killer, Dean Riddell, today pledged to fight against the conviction. Riddell's claims that he was defending himself from a rapeattack by the victim were yesterday rejected by a jury, which took three hours toconvict him unanimously of murdering Mr Purohit, 42, last October. 

The priest's elderly parents, issued a statement afterwards, saying: "We have put ourfull trust in the British judicial system and have been given justice. We have lost a hero who can never be replaced." The couple praised Leicestershire Police for "leaving no stone unturned" during the investigation, which involved a 100-strong team, including Asian and gay officers. 

Riddell, a heroin addict, of no fixed address, starts a life sentence today  his 27th birthday. He claimed he acted in self-defence when provoked by unwanted sexual advances from the bisexual priest who had offered him a lift in the city centre at night. Riddell, high on drink and drugs at the time, and carrying a knife, said he agreed to go to a house owned by Mr Purohit in Harrison Road, Belgrave, to give him a quote for building work. 

Once there, he claimed, Mr Purohit tried to rape him and he lashed out with a knife to defend himself. The prosecution, though, said Riddell went with Mr Purohit to earn money in exchange for sex because he was an addict desperate for heroin. He stabbed Mr Purohit 16 times, taking his money and BMW car. After the hearing, Detective Chief Inspector Mick Mills said: "Mr Purohit's lack of defence injuries indicated a totally unexpected attack.

Harish’s family say that justice has been done after Dean Riddell was convicted of his murder Seemingly tough case to crack aided by killer's loose tongue It seemed like an impossible case to crack. It involved two traditionally closed sections of society in a scenario full of taboos. 

But the investigation of a seemingly unrelated theft and the loose tongue of the killer led detectives to Dean Riddell. And his blood-soaked trainers found at an
acquaintance's house gave officers the forensic evidence they needed to bring the case to court. Heading the high-profile case was Detective Superintendent Bryan Warraker, now retired. He said: "It was about three weeks into the investigation when a phone call came into the incident room that a young policewoman had been investigating a burglary. 

"As a result of that investigation she told us the name of a young man who had told people he had killed an Asian man. "This was immediately interesting to us because he was in the area near to where Mr Purohit's car had been dumped. "It seemed the driver had come to a natural barrier at the Grand Union Canal, on the other side of the canal was the estate where Riddell lived. "We did some research on him to find out about his previous convictions and found out about his heroin and drug use. When people need money for drugs they will do things they wouldn't normally do." 

After his arrest a later search of a house unearthed the blood-soaked trainers which confirmed Riddell was the man police were after. Interviews with his friends and his sister revealed further confessions to the killing and officers were suspicious about his sudden acquisition of cash. But had it not been the policewoman's lead, Mr Warraker maintains officers would have found him, not merely because of the hundreds of lines of inquiry, but because of the openness of both the gay and Asian communities who wanted to aid the investigation. 

He said: "I have seen work in other parts of the country where officers face a constant battle with a community that doesn't trust them, but the community in Leicester supported us in doing our job


The  man who stabbed to death a gay Hindu priest arrived at a friend's house covered in blood, a murder trial has heard. He later confessed he had attacked someone with a knife. Dean Riddell (26) told David and Vanessa Hutchins he had been in a fight and borrowed a change of clothing. The next day he confessed to them that he had stabbed a man who he claimed tried to rape him. 

Mr Hutchins said Riddell told him that, after the knife attack, the injured man crawled to the front door and just lay there. "Then he said he thought he had heard his last breath," added Mr Hutchins, of Mowmacre Hill, Leicester. Riddell, of no fixed address, denies murdering 42-year-old Harish Purohit, claiming he was provoked and acted in self defence. Mr Hutchins told Nottingham Crown Court that Riddell was in a distressed state about the incident, adding: "He said ‘I think I've killed someone.' "He
said he stabbed someone because a man had tried to rape him." 

Riddell told Mr and Mrs Hutchins that two men in a BMW had kidnapped him and one of them had called him by the wrong name, of Craig. As he walked over, a man in the back jumped out and bundled him into the car. Riddell also told the couple they drove him to a house. Mr Hutchins added: "He said one of the men left and the other tried to rip Dean's trousers off. "He was scared. 

He said he took his coat off and stabbed the man on the leg with a knife. "The man grabbed him and he stabbed him in the neck. "He said the chap threw him around the room." It was then that Riddell claimed the injured man had crawled to the front door and the last breath was heard. 

Mr Hutchins said when it was realised the deceased was a Hindu priest, after watching the news, Riddell was amazed. Mr Jonathan Goldberg QC, defending, asked Mr Hutchins under-cross examination: "You and your wife told him to go to the police and ‘tell them he tried to rape you', and he said they will never believe my word against a priest?" "Yes" replied Mr Hutchins. Mr Goldberg asked him: "So any suggestion that he was a prostitute or a rent boy might amaze you?" "Yes," agreed the witness. Mr and Mrs Hutchins both said the defendant had taken heroin at their house on the night he turned up with blood on his clothes. 

Mr Hutchins agreed with Mr Goldberg's suggestion that the defendant was carrying a knife after encountering trouble with local youths who had beaten up an associate. Mrs Hutchins said Riddell also told her about being kidnapped and a man making advances. She added: "He said he just lost it. He went mad and Dean said he started lashing out. "He said he put the gas stove on. He tried to set a settee on fire. Then he got out of the window." 

Under cross examination, she said Riddell had been extremely upset and worried about what had happened. Mrs Hutchins said she had never seen Riddell aggressive on heroin or any other time. Riddell's girlfriend at the time, who is 16, and not being named, said she saw Riddell earlier on the evening of the alleged killing. He said he would ring her later but did not phone. She saw him the next day and he made an excuse for not ringing. The defendant's sister, Emma Riddell (19), of Border Drive, Beaumont Leys,
said when she asked her brother what was wrong, he replied: "I've murdered
somebody." She told the court she did not believe him but he recounted the same tale of being kidnapped before someone tried to rape him. 

Mr Goldberg asked her: "The question of rape was something that he would be upset by generally?" "Yes,"she said. She said her brother was not a violent person and never had been. Mr Goldberg asked her: "Was it clear this man he stabbed was a stranger?" "Yes," she said. He asked: "Your brother is a liar?" She said: "He can be." Donald James Scott (24) said he had known the defendant for 10 years and he was "definitely not homosexual". Mr Scott also refuted claims Riddell had an £80-a-day drug habit. 

The jury in have seen video footage of the body. The clothed body of 42-year-old Harish Purohit was shown lying face up on the lounge floor of a house he owned in Harrison Road, Belgrave, Leicester. His throat had been cut. Mr Purohit's relatives in the public gallery at Nottingham Crown Court were visibly shaken and distressed by the graphic footage, and a woman among them left the room sobbing. 

The jury of eight women and four men watched the film in complete silence. There was no commentary. It showed the outside of the property and inside, panning around the downstairs and pausing on smoke damage from a fire, allegedly started after the attack. Dean  iddell (26), of no fixed address, denied murdering the priest, who was also manager of a special needs day care centre in Leicester. The defendant admits causing the fatal injuries but claims he was provoked and acted in self defence to stave off homosexual advances by the deceased.  The victim had suffered 16 stab wounds.

Joan Butler QC, prosecuting, alleged Riddell, a heroin user, had allowed himself to be picked up by the priest who was to pay him for sexual activity. She claimed he willingly went there and repeatedly stabbed his alleged victim before making off with his money. 


 Hindu priest's double life Harish Purohit has been described as one of the most
prominent young Hindu priests in this country. He was murdered on the eve of Diwali – one of the faith's main religious festivals. Known for his modern, progressive views and vehement defence of the faith, the 42-year-old, who was born in Kenya, championed a number of high-profile causes both locally and nationally. 

But while the charismatic priest maintained a veneer of respectability with a wife of four years and talk of starting a family, he carried on a less mainstream existence on the streets of Leicester. By day he worked for both Leicester and Leicestershire social services, helping people with learning difficulties after graduating from Leicester University with a degree in social work. He spoke on behalf of the national Federation of Hindu Priests and preached to worshippers at the family's Shree Sanatan Mandir Temple, in Belgrave, Leicester. 

But by night, he was a well-known face around the gay scene with a steady gay partner in his 20s and a string of occasional lovers invited to parties at the house, where he was later to be killed, just a few minutes walk away from the temple. Conspicuous in his flashy metallic BMW, he would often be seen outside bars and at pick-up points across the city, including the toilets on the Belgrave flyover near to where he was to meet Dean Riddell. 

During the court case, Mr Purohit was painted by the defence as a sexual predator as it tried to show Riddell had acted in self-defence against the priest's unwanted advances. It said Mr Purohit preyed on young men and some witnesses suggested he enjoyed the challenge of bringing out the gay side of a straight man. But one young man, who spoke anonymously to the Leicester Mercury, described him as caring. The man, who rang police after seeing the priest's photo in the media, said: "I didn't know he was a priest until I saw his picture. 

I would see him regularly at the toilets on Belgrave Gate. "He would always ask me how I was, tell me to look after myself and be careful on the way home. He was really nice, a good friend." The opinion of the religious community was more ambiguous. Religious leaders, who had once been happy for him to speak on behalf of them nationally, condemned his lifestyle, despite claims by his family that it had never been a secret. 

Throughout this, his family remained constant. His solicitor wife Anjana Joshi, who chose to keep her own name, told a reporter she and her husband had been having fertility treatment because they wanted a child. She also said she had known of his gay lifestyle from the outset. The same, however, was not true of his elderly mother, who was shielded by other members of the family from every newspaper and television bulletin in the weeks and months following his death. 


The long-term girlfriend of Dean Riddell has agreed to marry him. The couple got engaged three weeks ago while the 27-year-old heroin addict was in prison awaiting trial. Today, fiancee Sharon Green, 29, and his mother Linda Riddell, 45, both of Mowmacre Hill, Leicester, said they were shocked that the jury found him guilty of murder. They say the killing was self defence and have pledged to do all in their power to clear his name. 

Miss Green has been going out with Riddell on and off for nearly five years. She says the couple split briefly before the killing and Riddell began going out with a
16-year-old girl who gave evidence during the murder trial. Miss Green said: "He had mentioned getting married lots of times before, but while he was in prison he got a catalogue and ordered an engagement ring for me. We are not silly and we would never have rushed into marriage, but I have decided to live life one day at a time, but I do want to wait for him." 

He was known as "String Bean Dean" as a youngster because he was a waif of a lad who would run away from trouble rather than to it. Today, on his 27th birthday he is facing a life sentence for the murder of Hindu priest Harish Purohit. The former John Ellis Community College pupil held down jobs in labouring and decorating after school. But life on one of Leicester's problem estates in Mowmacre Hill meant he began smoking cannabis and graduated to harder drugs culminating in a heroin habit. 

His mother Linda Riddell describes him as a caring child. He is the eldest of three children and her only son. She said: "I was ill with pleurisy when he was a boy. He would run to the neighbours and ask them to call a doctor. Later he got into drugs, because there were dealers on every corner." Friends recall a caring side to the killer – how he helped nurse a friend who was suffering from cancer. The prosecution and police in the case suggested he probably became a rent boy to help bring in extra cash, but his family, girlfriends and friends insist this was not the case. 

They also maintain he was not a violent man. His long-term girlfriend and
Mother-of-four, Sharon Green, said: "He's not violent, he didn't even like me to smack the children." This was echoed in court by his mother. She said: "He carried the knife for protection, you have to living round here." Justice is done for our son 



Over the past few weeks I have been astonished by some of the reporting of Harish's death. Allegations that he raped young Asian men and blackmailed others have been reported as 'facts' even, I am ashamed to say, in gay papers such as the Pink Paper.
Until such allegations are proven, they are just that, allegations. My personal view having known Harish for many years is that he could attract guys very easily without resorting to blackmail or rape. 
He may have been hated by some in the gay community but that was more likely to be because of jealousy of his abilty to attract partners. Harish was a human being, not an angel nor a demon. He was a charismatic priest because of his sexuality and brought life and joy to his ceremonies.  His death has once more put the spotlight on the hypocracy of the press and the public of this country few of whom lead lives which would bear intense media scrutiny.


The funeral of Harish was held on a wet, grey day in the City of Leicester. The body arrived at the temple at 10.30 and the funeral rights were performed by the close family according to Hindu rituals. Several hundred friends and mourners passed by the open coffin to pay their respects. A procession of cars then took the body to Gilroes Cemetery where a final ceremony in the West Chapel took place. The chapel was packed to overflowing and many watched the ceremony in a side room on TV.

Tributes were paid to the Local Police force for the discretion they showed and consideration while they carried out their difficult investigations. 

It is time now for the family to be left in peace to mourn their loss in private and to hope that when the time comes to judge those proved responsible, justice will be seen to have been done.


I am a gay white guy and have had over the years many gay asian friends and enjoyed a lot of fun with them.  One annoying habit ,however, is just turning up on the doorstep without warning for a 'session'. I do understand that many are married, have to get away when they can and so on but in these days of mobile phones, a call just to see if it is OK would be nice.
So come on guys, no-one likes saying 'no' when you visit but sometimes sex is just not possible.
Do Asian guys living independantly have the same problem with guys ?



DHAKA, Sept 11: State Minister for Social Welfare Mozammel Hossain has described Bangladesh's four million eunuchs, who are shunned by  the society, as "physically handicapped" but said he would seek the  government's help to rehabilitate them.

Replying to a call attention notice in the parliament Monday from  the ruling Awami League MP Shahjahan Khan, he said the group could be  helped by setting up six rehabilitation and training centers, besides  a pilot project to  make their songs and dance "tasteful."

 Khan, in his notice, said that there were four million eunuchs in  Bangladesh who were not aware of the social and humanitarian values  as they did not have voting rights and social security, although they  were the citizens of the country.

 The minister said he would send a letter to the election commission  seeking their voting rights. Eunuchs in Bangladesh are mostly serving  as prostitutes for homosexuals and are a source of entertainment in  villages where they organize late night songs and dances.

  © 2000 South Asian Media Wise Ltd. 

Reply posted.
It never ceases to amaze me at the indifferent attitudes of these pompous officials in the face of hard facts and statistics!! Ummm, 4  million is a pretty sizeable amount of human beings, and his only  reply is to make their dancing more tasteful by rehabilitating them??
C'mon, get a grip pal! If there are 4 million eunuchs in your  country, that obviously are part of the wider society, and are  obviously in demand by not just homosexuals, but probably more  heterosexual men, that would be a sign to me that homosexual & bi-
sexual sex is probably pretty well entrenched in Bangladesh, and as  we all know always has been. But just keep staying in denial, and try  to rehabilitate these poor creatures... gimme a break.

Reply Posted
Didn't the Nazis build rehabilitation camps for eight million of their citizens complete with orchestras and cultural activities such as gassing


This is to let you all know about the Androphile  Project, and its collection of gay art and literature from around the  world. The home page is at and the Indian art hall is at then click on "Indian Hall"
Please enjoy, and feel free to comment!
Andrew K.

Re: condoms

I've knew one shouldn't use oil based lubricants with condoms, but I never knew exactly why till Devdutt gave his excellent talk on safer sex at the last Gay Bombay meet

He said that what happens with an oil based lubricant is that with the friction it starts heating up, and
that heat is what causes the latex to degrade (query: does this happen with polyurethane condoms too? Its a technical question, since these aren't available in India, but I'd like to know). 

The important point that he added is that this degradation doesn't have to be in the form of an
actual visible tear. The latex can become so thin that its porpous and no longer gives protection. But
because its not visibly torn the user thinks it was safe, when in fact it wasn't. So all the more reason
to stick to a water based lubricant. 

Vikram (posted on GB E.Group)


Hey guys, I'm sorry about being stupid but something is really driving me crazy.

I've just moved to London and I know there are all these signals - you know, scratching a nose or whatever which apparantly mean something.

But I just don;'t get it. I try one thing and get one response, but next time its something different. I'm getting really confused and I'm scared of really getting it wrong.

Can anyone help and explain to me whats going on??


Has anyone here read the book 'Shiva and Arun' by P. Parivaraj, published by Gay Men's Press, available from Millivres and Gay Times?  I bought it a couple of years ago and have read it three or four times already.  It tells the story of two teenage boys growing up in a south Indian town in very 
strictly controlled, homophobic families.  The lives of Shiva and Arun do not cross at all until very near the end but both in their different ways find that they are "men who love men".  I usually enjoy well written accounts of men's early years and this is no exception, very well written, quite explicit 
in its sex scenes but not unpleasant and, above all, for a non-Indian a fascinating description of growing up in an Indian community.  I recommend the book wholeheartedly to anyone logging on to this Forum and I would love to have other people's reactions to it.

Another item, relevant to the discussion on homosexuality in south Asia.  The next, i.e. October, issue of the magazine New Internationalist is to be given over to the question of 'sexual minorities in the majority world' , a sympathetic look at the problems faced by gays and lesbians in south Asia and Africa.

Richard. UK

Yes I have read this book as well. It is extremely moving and well written with great insights into the way the characters feel as they discover their attraction to other men. It also deals with some of the issues of social pressure to marry which was reflected in the BBC debate e-mails, some of which were really shocking in their ignorance and intolerance.

On August 17th 2000 the BBC World service broadcast a programme about homosexuality in South Asia. Below are some postings prior to the programme going out.

Is it time for a new attitude towards homosexuality in South Asia? Homosexuality is still illegal in India, Pakistan, Bangladesh and Sri Lanka. Films such as "Fire" which pushed the barriers of social acceptability have faced strong criticism in the region. 
But isn't it time for South Asia to accept that gay relationships do exist? Should society raise its tolerance of homosexuals? Should gays be given equal rights? . 
A World Today debate on this subject was broadcast on BBC World Service Radio on Thursday 17 August . A selection of your emails were read out during the debate. I love this earth and all its people 
I was born to Muslim heterosexual parents. This makes me, for the purpose of statistics, a Muslim homosexual. Before anyone bursts a blood vessel or two, let me state that I'm not a practising Muslim. I love this earth and all its people. I've made love to a Hindu, a Jew and a Christian. Perhaps all those who oppose homosexuality should consider outlawing heterosexuality since all "perverts" are born to heterosexuals. 
Zafar India 

As a gay Muslim male, I think that the time is long overdue for society in South Asia to come to terms with homosexuality as a reality and a way that we are born. 
Omar Pakistan 

Islam is all against homosexuality as these are unnatural relationships. Sexual relations are only meant for opposite sex partners with some moral limitations. 
Mushtaq, Japan 

It is a Western phenomenon but that does not mean that South Asians should follow it blindly. 
Sanjay, India 

As a European it is not my duty to say how other countries should organize themselves; Nevertheless, human rights are the same everywhere and it is time for countries such as India, Sri Lanka, Pakistan and Bangladesh to fulfil their obligations. Firstly, homosexuality should not be illegal and the law should protect homosexuals from discriminations, torture and violence. Until these basic changes occur, as a Danish citizen I will oppose all co-operation between Europe and countries where my brothers are not respected. 
Henrique-José, Denmark 

I believe that as long as the sexual act is consensual, there shouldn't be any objection  Homosexuality is not a new phenomenon, there has been historical research on this subject. Many prominent Indians are openly homosexual and in recent years there have been also reports on lesbian relationships. However, I would like to add that unfortunately, a number of supposedly well-informed Indians are also quite uneasy about homosexuality. I believe that as long as the sexual act is consensual, there shouldn't be any objection. 
Vibha, India/ UK 

I consider myself a Muslim and the world out there that is ignorant of Islam and fears it, should know that a Muslim does not have any nationality or race. A Muslim is just a Muslim - Islam is universal in that sense. Where homosexuality is concerned, Muslims throughout the world are not immune from this. Yes, homosexuality is "haram" (completely illegal) in Islam but the reality is far from true. Although, there is nothing wrong with Islam, there is everything wrong about Muslims. After all they are human beings too. 
Anonymous, Britain 

Gay people are doing nothing wrong so why reprimand them? 
Suren, New Zealand 

I see homosexuality as a sickness, so we just need to look for the cure. 
Kaleemuddin, Canada 

People here say that Muslims will not accept homosexuals. I personally wonder why I see so many homosexuals and transsexuals in so many Muslim countries that I have visited? Much more than in any other religious-dominated area. 
Miklos Hungary 

Homosexuality's justifiability becomes controversial when it comes to the issue of continuity of society which is based on "procreation". Does homosexuality allow for this? What if everybody takes up homosexuality? What will happen to continuity? Nature is the ultimate decider. 
MS, Sri Lanka 

Criminals exists everywhere in the world. It does not mean that they should be encouraged and accepted by the society. Likewise, homosexuality is against the nature and it will lead the society in wrong direction. This is a psychological problem. There is no question that the South Asian society which has high valued moral and social ties can accept such activities which even does not exist in other animals. The South Asian culture and society can teach many things to the so-called modern western society. 
Dinesh Nepal 

Speaking as a person of Indian origin, it's blatant denial to turn a blind eye to centuries of close, intimate, same-sex bonding in India and many other gender-segregated cultures. The burgeoning lesbi-gay movements in many parts of South Asia and elsewhere are creating contexts in which "the love that dare not speak its name" is being slowly but surely pushed into arenas of public discourse.
This is a mixed blessing, since the old closeted homosexual underground was slyly winked at, ignored, or even tolerated, whereas the new gay self-assertion is often met with a backlash of repressive hostility and finger pointing. Yet, if the new gay movements keep it up, the misery of closeted lesbian and gay people, often trapped in loveless heterosexual marriages and living out a painful lie might cease. Raj USA 

In a society like ours which believes in the popular notion of MARDANGI or manliness, homosexuality will remain a stigma 
Sherry Pakistan 

Homosexuality does exist in South Asia but in a different context. As a sociologist, I know that homosexuality in South Asian context means a second preference for sex. Even for those who practise it, homosexuality is not a way of life or an ideology. In majority of cases, sexual relationship between man and another man in South Asia are like client-patron relationship. In more general terms, I will say this kind of sexual relationship is usually between male prostitutes and their male clients. This relationship does not involve a desire for companionship. In a society like ours which believes in the popular notion of MARDANGI or manliness, homosexuality will remain a stigma. 
Sherry Pakistan 

Homosexuality is not an activity, nor a choice of a lifestyle. It is who we are. For whatever reason God only knows, we are sexually attracted and responsive to members of the same sex. We have no control over it. Consequently, we fall in love with people of the same sex and wish to share our lives with someone of the same sex. If Islam kept no room for us, then we have no room for Islam or any other religion. Countries like Bangladesh, India, Pakistan and Afghanistan can start by evolving out of their puritan shells and begin to see the world as it is.
 R, USA 

Homosexuality is not a life style, it is a form of mental disease
Tasbir , USA

I am totally at ease with gays. I have many friends who are gay and they are wonderful people. We just need to accept that there are many different kinds of people in the world. 
Yasmine, USA 

Homosexuality is not a life style, it is a form of mental disease. I believe sooner or later scientists will find out the abnormal gene which causing this illness. It was never accepted and won't be accepted in South Asia. It should be considered as a crime as well. Tasbir USA

Sexuality is a gift from God. Used as he directs in Holy Scripture and your life will be blessed and strengthened. Misused and your life and the life of society as a whole will be harmed and ultimately destroyed. The only honourable and healthy sexuality is within a life long committed marriage between a man and a woman. Jim USA 

Everyone as a 'human' should be given equal rights as 'humans' only, sexuality is a private matter and shouldn't be flaunted in the open whether homo or hetro. SN, 

We should never show intolerance towards people, but we should show intolerance to behaviour that is wrong. If homosexuality is wrong, the behaviour should not be tolerated. 

Well, it would be like hiding the truth if I would depict that there is nothing like homosexuality existing in Pakistan. I have witnessed it myself at dance parties. Well, I was shocked initially to witness this in Pakistan but it does exsist. 
Zeeshan Pakistan 

"Gay" is not something that proliferated overnight in South Asia.. it's always been around 

A resounding "yes"... "Gay" is not something that proliferated overnight in South Asia.. it's always been around.. The only reason South Asia has not had to look it squarely in the face is because of the outdated Victorian morals it still clings to, somewhat desperately and with some futility. So yes, like we accept the multitude of religions and peoples in S.Asia, let us also acknowledge that gay people exist and accept them for what they are.. people.. 

There is absolutely no excuse for homosexuality. No other animal in the world practices it. Only man has fallen to the depths of immorality to take it up as a way of life. My view is that this 'topic' remains where it started, in the West. We, in Southeast Asia prefer women as partners for marriage. Not 'relationships'...marriage. Always have...always will. In my opinion and in the opinion of the vast majority of Southeast Asians, let well enough alone. 
W Pakistan 

Public display of relationship be it homosexual or heterosexual is generally uncomfortable in the Indian Subcontinent. The media or public in India does not actively hunt homosexuals. As far as legal rights are concerned the subcontinent has more pressing issues due to centuries of its neglect. 
Vinod UK 

A person can not be a Muslim and gay at the same time. When a person openly accepts and behaves "homosexual" s/he is out of the fold of Islam. According to Prophet Muhammad, homosexuality being so common and open is another sign of the coming of the Last Day. I seek refuge in Allah from such an abomination. 
Omar, Canada 

I'm a little confused by some of the comments on this board. Either the people who are posting their comments on this board lived in a different India than I did or are in complete denial. I came to the US as a 23 year old student 14 years ago. Prior to this I lived in India, where several of my friends at a major Indian university were openly gay. Has anyone who has posted a message to this discussion from India ever travelled as a backpacker through North India? In the railway stations, if you are there late enough, you see men openly having sex with each other. Or you can drive the national highways that traverse the country, pull into a dhaba and see a truck driver and his "helper" sleeping in the same khattiya. 

I am heterosexual and my American spouse was rather amused that we could not hold hands in public in Delhi without being jeered at, when earlier that morning we had seen two men openly having sex on the platform in Agra railway station. A friend of mine is an epidemiologist in India, and she pointed out to me that the average Indian is such extreme denial about homosexuality, that it is almost impossible to start an AIDS education program that will have any impact on the large Indian gay community, many of whom are illiterate, unless Indians acknowledge that their gay fellow citizens exist. Hats off to groups like the Mercury Phoenix Foundation for paving the way to tolerance for all Indians, regardless of lifestyle. 
Jog, USA 

I'm gay. It took me 35 years to accept myself. But now I feel comfortable sharing it with most of my family, and they have accepted me with open arms. 
V, India/USA 

Some comments of readers here are portraying Homosexuality as a devient "choice". Please understand that it is NOT a choice. Knowing that it entails such heartache, no one would choose to be gay. I am one of three brothers who grew up in Punjabi middle class Delhi. All of them are comfortable, married heterosexuals. I'm gay, dating an American lawyer. It took me 35 years to accept myself. But now I feel comfortable sharing it with most of my family, and they have accepted me with open arms. It is time that we understand that human relationships are defined by deeper factors like soul, not sexuality. Whether heterosexual or homosexual, sexual roles defining relationships is what is unnatural to me. And that cuts across cultural or geographical lines. My Indian Punjabi middle class family is more supportive and accepting of me than a lot of my American friend's families are of them. It is a matter of soul, people. In fact, this issue has been debated in north Indian culture as "Roohani Satsang"- meeting of the souls irrespective of pre-defined roles, sexual or otherwise. 
V, India/USA 

Even though I have lived in the western world for the majority of my life and seen the church and many other organisations bend to the homosexual agenda and will, I really doubt if homosexuality will be allowed let alone be condoned anywhere in any Muslim country around the world. 
Mohammed Arif, England 

OF COURSE people in South Asia need to be more tolerant toward GLBTs (gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transsexuals). Attitudes toward sex in South Asia are ignorant and parochial. GLBTs are to be found everywhere. I personally know several gays and lesbians in India, and am proud to call some of them my friends. I get extremely suspicious when anyone starts explaining what is "natural" and what is not, or starts extolling the "virtues" (whatever they may be) of Hindu or Muslim culture. If you are a Hindu, have you ever heard of the Kamasutra? Come on, people, let's live and let live. We need to move beyond tolerance, to acceptance of such people as our equals. I wish GLBTs in South Asia all the best. Given the widespread prevalence of bigots among heterosexuals, GLBTs need all the luck they can get. 
Iqbal India/USA 

Homosexuality is not acceptable in South Asian countries like India, Pakistan or Bangladesh. 
A Rafi, USA 

Although I believe that homosexuality is an unacceptable lifestyle, I do think that South Asia needs to come to terms with its existence. Denial is not a constructive, nor viable, option. Violence against homosexuals should not be permitted, but neither should gross flaunting of one's sexuality. Discretion and modesty should be emphasised in the pursuit of understanding. 
Saeed, USA 

Being a Pakistani Muslim the issue of homosexuality is clear-cut, it cannot and must not be allowed. Homosexuality is banned in Islam and is clearly a disgusting and unnatural activity. I cannot speak for south Asia as a whole, but Pakistan is Islamic and never will allow homosexuality to exist openly, thankfully. The entire foundation for homosexuality is based on rebelliousness, people who want divert from the mainstream, it has no absolute biological basis. 
Aftab USA 

Homosexuality is a preference and I don't think there is anything wrong with it. However, it is one's own private matter - there is no need to parade the fact. Heterosexuality or being straight is of course how nature intended it, but deviation from that reality should not be considered abnormal. Homosexuals should not be discriminated against, but they should also accept reasonable sociological limitations. Gays are not outcasts, they are just a minority and as in most democratic institutions, they will face discrimination in certain avenues - that cannot be helped. It is not because they are gay, but because they are different from the majority. 
Guru USA 

Being a homosexual is not a crime; the act, if proved, is punishable. In fact, Section 377 of the Indian Penal Code makes all "unnatural acts" (whether by heterosexuals or homosexuals) a crime. That's the position in India and I assume it's also the case in other former colonies of the British Raj in South Asia as this antiquated law is a legacy of the British. This law is being blatantly used to harass and blackmail gay men and women, and it's time it was struck off and other measures introduced to give les-bi-gay people equal rights. 
Nitin  India 

I lived in India for 18 years and I don't think the West made me gay. I definitely don't think homosexuality defies "nature and the natural habitat." For me loving men came as naturally as loving a woman comes to a heterosexual teenager. I suppose you think that being physically handicapped is also "against nature and the natural habitat" since we were supposed to be able to walk on our two feet. Respect us for who we are, I don't ask you what you do in your bedrooms. Don't ask me what I do in mine. A relationship between two consenting adults is their business. Why don't we direct our wrath towards child prostitution or bonded labour? 
SM, Boston 

Islam does not allow homosexuality and I believe it should not be allowed in India, Sri Lanka and especially in any Islamic country. 
Omer USA 

We in Pakistan tolerate homosexuality. Because of the strict moral dilemma of the separation of sexes in social life, homosexuality is pervasive all over the country. You see transvestites openly plying their trade on the street corners of major cities without any let or hindrance. However, we are shy and uncomfortable with public displays of affection. So, nobody can show any signs of affection. Actually, I think Pakistan is one of the few countries in the world where homosexuals can openly hug and lay in a park in each other's arms but no heterosexual couple can even think of it. Babur Irfani, Pakistan 

There is nothing mentioned in either Buddhist or Hindu texts about homosexuality. Learning to live and let live is usually one of the South Asian hallmarks even though we seem to forget it sometimes. We should be accepting of all people and stop instinctively trying to marginalise people based on differences. Shiran Vyasa, Sri Lankan in Canada 

In these Southeast Asian societies the closet is the safer option. The problem is that in these very closed societies anything concerning sex is considered "dirty". Frankly, there is a massive amount of hypocrisy here. We all know what happens when you have an unnatural segregation of the sexes (as you do in these nations) so I very much doubt if they are free of homosexuality or other ills such as child abuse, etc. I believe people have little choice in their orientation and those who are this way should not be persecuted. However, nor should they flaunt it in public - all societies find such displays distasteful and offensive. 
Henbane, UK


I think you'll find that Muslims by and large will NEVER accept homosexuals as equals - something that the Christian Church is compromising every day. Jesus certainly didn't say anything about making homosexuals equal. 
Zafar, England 

I'm hopeful my sexuality will be fully accepted in my home country of India such as it is in the United States. My Indian friends here have been very supportive of my partner and me. I would like to see that cultured attitude of accepting gays more prevalent in India, where so many of my close relations follow the same lifestyle. 
Bajel India 

I never even knew till now that there were gay men in the Indian subcontinent. Indian and Pakistani men as so chauvinistic the thought never even crossed my mind. I knew certain regions of India had men cross dressing, but homosexuals Not that I against it. Many of my friends in the US are gay. I wish all gay people in the Indian subcontinent the best, towards acceptance, tolerance and openness from their fellow men and women around them, but it going to be an up hill battle. 
Anupa , Indian/ USA 

This is in response to Mr Morgan Connors comments that homosexuality should be tolerated in south Asia because of their population problems. Does he similarly imply in less populated portions of the world say Canada etc, people should have 4 or 5 wives to fix their problem? Homosexuality is not something that people of south Asia will accept and that it is the way it should be. This is not being intolerant but just putting sex in the proper perspective, I.e. sex is not everything in life. 
Prasanna India 

The question is not that simple. In fact, it is even premature. Many educated middle class South Asians are not not even aware that there are gays in their country. If they are blind to the existence of a portion of their population, how can they even think in terms of granting equal rights? After all, it is easier discriminating against an invisible minority. 
Thaths, US 

I too, am an American of Sri Lanka descent and realise that the traditional views supersede human rights, in countries such as Sri Lanka. Yet, I think if change is going to occur, it must begin with pride. Gay men and women should not have to suppress their sexuality because "...others will see they are just human beings and will treat them as such". We are all human beings, and if heterosexuals can flaunt their sexuality, why can't the Gay community? Change begins with one's heart and mind, obviously even American's of Sri- Lankan heritage - as noted in the comments above - are still close-minded and close hearted. That is pretty tragic. 
Hashanthi USA 

South Asia is a region of great contradictions - on one hand it supports a tremendous variety of ethnic groups, cultures and religions and on the other it is often plagued by communal riots, intolerance, and bigotry. As hard as it is to change, I can only hope that people in South Asia and around the world learn to respect others' preferences and views, although they may not always correspond with theirs. If we can follow our beliefs without infringing on others' freedoms, without forcing others to agree the world might just be a better place. 
SM, Boston 

Yes it is true that the west is more open to sexual diversity. However many of us are of the opinion that this is a bad thing. Many of us think it is high time that the relatively conservative mores of the East need to be taken as the norm. What many people see as an alternative lifestyle, most Eastern people see as debauchery. Most of us don't need it, don't want it. Keep your lifestyle to yourself. Z
Zafar, Pakistan/USA 


Being a Muslim and a follower of Islam, I would only say that homosexuality is not at all acceptable by any follower of Islam. It is strictly prohibited in Islam and countries like Pakistan, Iran and Bangladesh should never allow this thing to happen. 

In every given population of humans, there are a small percentage of homosexuals. At least that's what the westerners say. I don't know about Sri Lanka and India but in Pakistan which is an Islamic country, homosexuals should remain in the closet. They shouldn't show their emotions towards the same sex in public. But then that's ok since heterosexuals can't show their emotions in public either in Pakistan. 
Syed USA 

As a south Asian gay man from India, I have seen the gay movement blossom in many Indian cities and in the south Asian diaspora across the world (especially USA). I am optimistic about the outlook for gays and lesbians in India. Although our society is traditional, it has been a tolerant society. There is more diversity in India than anywhere else in the world and people have learned to live and let live. Homosexuality is just another fibre in this fabric of diversity which will become visible and accepted in India sooner than we think. 
Navarun USA 

The question is do we want to promote these relationships which defies nature and natural habitat. This vice should be cured by tolerance, and not by violence. However, the bottom line being people should realise this is an unhealthy relationship, and will only but defy the human lifecycle. So ask yourself do you want to go against the very cause of your creation? 
Chanchal India 

Its nothing to do with us ! Having suffered over the last 10 years from the media ramming a minority issue down our throats constantly. Please lets leave the purer cultures of the sub-continent to there own devices. If they want to accept it - FINE, if they don't¿ that's their cultural choice... I think its us that should be more tolerant of their culture - not the other way round. 
Francis UK 

Its high time India woke up to these issues staring us in the face. On a larger context, equality for all is the only way to go. And if India finds this difficult, because of its highly segregated past, then there's no slow and steady cure for it. Unless you get a rude awakening, you really don't do what can be done tomorrow, today. These are your sons and daughters. Your friends, your bosses, brothers and sisters. Get together everyone, and stand up for the individual's right to exist as they choose to. 
Jay, US 

With the advancement of science and technology, we have ushered in the information technology age. But alas, we are losing our cultural and moral values at an alarming rate and the western civilisation is partly to be blamed for this. Instead of promoting the natural love and bond between a man and a woman in martial harmony, it over-emphasises on the sexual freedom and encourages the youth to experiment with all kinds of life styles - sex in early teens, homosexuals, punks, hippies and what not. Sanjay India 

Indians in India are becoming more tolerant towards homosexuality and I believe the day is not far when the laws are changed. There is no need to flaunt ones sexuality, however. Awareness is essential. And this awareness will come as the nation matures and progresses ahead
. Vijay USA 

No it isn't time. South Asia is a place where drinking alcohol is still considered a taboo. There are millions of people in South Asia who still need to be educated academically. Once that happens, then the government can worry about demonstrating tolerance towards homosexuals. 
Nitish USA 

I can't talk about whole of south Asia. In India, homosexuality is illegal. As a law abiding citizens, I think it is the responsibility to follow the law of the land. Like every Indian, I believe in democracy and we have a pretty vibrant one. If the people feel (majority as is obvious to any democracy) this law needs to be changed, then it will be. We have thousands of other more pressing issues to catapult the country into a vibrant economic power where all its people can live above the poverty line before we as majority peoples can consider changes to these laws. How about abolishing passports and making every human a true citizen of the world? 
Anil  India 
It's very important to start the debate over homosexuality in South Asia because most of it's people believe this doesn't exist. And its also time to people from South Asia should be more open and tolerant over lifestyles which are not common in these countries. 
Anton Sri Lanka 

I'm not sure about Bangladesh, India, or Sri Lanka, but Pakistan is an Islamic Republic, and in Islam there is no tolerance for homosexuality. So therefore no, I do not believe that homosexuality should be tolerated or made legal in Pakistan.

Being a gay Pakistani myself, I realise the social pressures that stare desi gays in the face day in and day out. However, sexual minorities like myself are not the only victims of intolerance in that part of the world, all other sorts of minorities share the same grief, be they ethnic, linguistic, religious, or sexual in nature. Tolerance of diverse, off-the-mainstream ideas and beliefs is what our region terribly lacks in. 'Celebration of diversity' might be a clichéd term in the west, but the concept still has a long way to go in South Asia. 
Mohammad Pakistan 

It's time for South Asia to catch up with the "acceptance" movement taking place around the world. Human Rights were designed for every and all persuasions. As a global rhythm resounds, South Asians need to open their hearts, eyes and souls to include and promote love and kindness for all people. We only have each other to rely on, peace begins with acceptance. 
Cate Canada 

I feel that homosexuals should keep their sexuality to themselves (I.e. not flaunt it) so that others will see they are just human beings 
Natasha, US 

I'm an American of Sri Lankan heritage and I think that South Asia which is an area so steeped in tradition will find it difficult to tolerate homosexuals in the open. Tradition is such that, as in the Middle East, it will take years to break. Honestly, I hope that tolerance will become the norm but I feel that homosexuals should keep their sexuality to themselves (I.e. not flaunt it) so that others will see they are just human beings and will treat them as such rather than judging them by sexuality. 
Natasha, US 

Yes, they should be more tolerant. Who does it hurt if someone prefers to be romantically involved with a person of their own gender? Anyway, with the population problem of South Asia, homosexuality should be more than tolerated. 
Morgan USA 



Date: Wed Aug 16, 2000 3:33pm
Subject:Gay Bombay E Group  BBC homosexuality debate

Guys..guys ..guys....I read the postings on the debate of homosexuality in south asia and was shocked and appaled by most of the postings......

I'm so suprised that not many of the 1000 plus members of gb (Gay Bombay) (which they keep repeatedly boasting of), even bothered to react to such postings.I guess they would rather prefer sending mails like 'any body in out there in xyz.....I'm one hell of a stud ..waiting to get f-----', etc rather than use the Gay Bombay  forum to voice their opinions on such important matters.....

What I'm shocked about is that, the opinions and awareness of people, is so low and substandard.....I'm sorry for being judgmental now but am compelled to infer that way. It seems not many, either know their history, geography or their religion well enough....forget well enough...its my opinion.(I hope theres no problem with me voicing my opinions...right?)

Coming to the 'homosexuality is a western thing' part...

Let me draw your attention to the mythology of ancient India (here I include the present days Pakistan and Bangladesh)...I'm not sure if many know that ancient indians (and what is now known as 'hinduism'),  worshiped homosexuals.....they revered them as gods and gave them a high place in the society.......the most interesting example I can think of at this moment, is that of 'lord aiyyapa' , the god who was born of the 'homosexual union' or to be politically correct' a sexual union of a man (ie lord shiva) and a man who becomes a female at the drop of a hat(ie lord vishnu)......

Did anyone ever bother to know why women are not supposed to worship lord aiyyapa?....(ok people think that women in their menses are 'dirty' and pollute the environment??!! and hence should not be allowed near the shrine......and can be allowed only before they attain puberty and after their menopause).Do they know that during the 40 days of their prayer days to lord aiyyapa(l.a., from now on) they are not supposed to (apart from many things), sleep with a female, look at a female , eat food cooked by a female, talk to a female or do anything concerning/with a female?....thats simply because l.a. was a gay god and people felt that its best to 'worship' him in the way he would prefer best to be worshiped. to think of it, the 40 days of worship with all the men wearing 'malas' or the (usually) black dress code and going to shabarimalai in kerala state, is nothing but a gay congregation. the black dress was worn so that each gay guy could recognise the other ...get pally and meet for the was what can also be known today, as the 'gay pride march' of the 'western world'.

Of course, people had to use gods names into the whole thing to bring about 'respect' and 'credibility' to the whole affair of homosexuality.

Another story of the mythology also goes, where a man (ie lord vishnu), takes the 'form' of a woman (ie mohini) many a times, when ever he wanted to charm the 'asuras' either to give the 'amruth' to the gods or to kill the 'asuras'.......its been many a times subtly mentioned and infered in the (antient indian)hindu mythology about such instances to homosexuality.

If one has taken effort to read any of  the antient, greek or roman mythology , one would come across many a stories and instances where homosexuality has been practiced and promoted.

Coming back to the hindu mythology apart from the 'loud' msg and story of l.a., one also has instances where 'lord arjuna' had taken the form of a 'half female and half male' during his one year of 'agnyathavas' or the 'hiding period' of his exile.People must be aware that the concept of 'arthanareshwara' of 'lord shiva' is another reference to homosexuality or bisexuality where the lord takes the form of being both the male and the female and 'dances' to please himself and thus make the world 'relax' that the lord is happy and all is well.

Has anyone ever wondered why 'lord krishna' never stood straight(no pun intended) or 'like a man' while playing his flute?......why he always crossed his legs and stood in a 'relaxed' way, in the famous 'krishna pose' while playing the flute?....why inspite of being a flirt, his closest pal was 'arjuna', a man and not a female?...why inspite of having 'one crore' (ok, may be an exageration)...but inspite of having many wives , he never had a kid?.......think about these things'll understand what the underlying messafe  of such references in the hindu mythology are.

Did you guys think that 'lord rama' didn't have kids for all his 13 or 14 yrs (I forget), of exile , because he practiced good birth control measures? you all think 'laxmana'  gave up his married life and went to live with 'lord rama' only because of his 'devotion' and 'brotherly love' for his brother?.....why do you think laxmana got bugged and upset when ravanas sister, 'surpanaka' asked him out?......think and understand the your minds and realise that 'alternate sexuality was always a part and parcle of ancient india and is no new concept 'borrowed' from the 'western world ' by 'perverts'.

I can talk about the other religions as well but would refrain from doing so as its a touchy topic and am not sure if I would be hurting the sentiments of people.but I would like to say one or two lines about it.

many 'christians' feel that god did not want homosexuality . they argue that, 'if god wanted to promote homosexuality, then he would not have made adam and eve but would have made adam and john' .my simple answer to that is 'if god did not want to promote homosexuality among humans, he would not have made an arse hole for a man'Iin my opinion god made an arse for the guy so that he can enjoy sex with a man and not go through the headache of kids etc.

Coming to the 'muslims' bit, where they feel that 'islam' feels homosexuality is 'haram'.....yes the books do mention it as 'haram'..but I hope they are also aware that wanking or masturbation is also 'haram' in 'islam' and all the muslim men, either in pakistan, india or anywhere in 
the world, who ever have  masuerbated, will face gods 'wrath' during the 'judgement day'..All the best to them.

What I dont understand is that when god is all knowing , why has he created 'homosexuality' and 'masturbation'?...if he didn't want such 'perverted things' to exist , why has he ever given us knowledge about them?.(well this question is for the so called men who think they are the 'torch bearers' of religion to answer).

At this point I'm reminded of a beautiful and meaningful line from the movie ' mughal-e-azam' the song 'pyar kiya tho darna kya' goes 'pardha nahi jab khoi khuda say, bandon say pardha karna kya'..... meaning,when there is nothing hidden from the 'eyes' of god, why should one dorn a veil or 'hide' to the people, who are after all, creators of 'god' (i'm not sure if I could translate it properly).

Please note that no religion promotes hatred and discourages love...every religion promotes love for 'humans' , animals'. 'plants' and every thing under the sun. and in my opinion sex is just another form of expressing 'love' to another human being.....and there is nothing wrong  in expressing ones love to another person of the same sex, when the receiver is as happy 
as the giver (now no pun intended!);-)

Smile and enjoy the second best thing you can do with your mouth/lips (don't ask me what the 1st best thing is ....your guess is as good as mine )




Gay British man (non Asian) temporarily living and working in  Pakistan seeks information about what goes on in Pakistan between men. Everything seems a complete mystery to me. Something obviously happens, but what and where and how??? 
The web info on "Gay Pakistan" is probably the emptiest space on the net! I've been looking for a UK based site like "Gaysia" for months. (Good work, and keep it up). Can any British Asian men of Pakistani origin give me any help, or just establish e-mail contact to help me understand this interesting country and its people, esp its men! 

e;mail contact

You can reply direct to the writer and/or send a copy to Gaysia for inclusion on this page. no names are needed or used to protect your privacy


The following is taken off of the Personal Ads - 101 website I thought Gaysia readers might find it useful.  Vijay

Ten simple tips for responding to personal ads:

I'm not a professional personal advertiser -- I just play one on the Internet.  You can take or leave my advice, but I'm doing this to hopefully help those who find themselves responding to ads and (more often than not) are not hearing anything back. Except for the first tip, these are not in any particular order. 

1)  Never write anything sexual in your response *unless* the ad that person wrote was sexual in nature.  This is the number one complaint men  have about the guys who write to them. And think about it,... would bringing up the size of Mr. Happy
work face-to-face?  Right.

2)  Mention what you liked about their ad that made you want to write to them.  Everyone likes feedback on what they post, and  this gives you a good way to start off your letter.

3)  If you have a scanned picture, mention that in the letter.  I do not suggest sending it without their asking for it.  No one wants to wait for some huge photo to download that they didn't ask for.  And for god sakes, don't send a nude photo unannounced!
Again, would you go parading into a bar naked trying to pick up your next significant other?  Right.

4) If you have a webpage, definitely mention that in the letter. Also try and have a picture of yourself on that webpage.  Try to have several pictures on there.  I know it sounds shallow as hell, but being able to show a picture of yourself shoots up your  chances of getting a response.  That goes both for placing ads and responding to them.

5)  Make sure your letter is free of spelling errors.  Nuthing mekes u
lok stoopidier then habing tuns oof spulling mastakes. 

6)  Have more to say than just: 
"I liked your ad.  If you want to know more about me, write back." 
If you send someone this, unless they are completely desperate or they haven't received many (if any) other responses, they will not write back.  Why not?  Why should they!?!  You haven't said anything to separate yourself from a common houseplant, and
you're putting all the burden on them.  Give at least some facts about your looks, location, what you do for a living, and interests. 

7)  Keep in mind that your response might be just one email in a whole pile of emails.  It's not unusual for someone  to receive in excess of 100 reponses to a single ad.  When you're writing your message, keep that in mind and try and think of something that will
make yours not only stand out, but keep it from being deleted. Make yourself sound interesting without lying.

8)  Use humour.  One of the things most people are looking for is someone who can make them laugh.  If you can at least make the person smile or grin, you've gone a long way towards getting that letter from them that you're hoping for. 

9)  Do not insult or make fun of anything they mentioned in their ad. I recently got a letter from a man who in one sentence said he couldn't stand the state I live in (Texas - he's in Florida) and was glad  that I was never his teacher That one sentence killed it.  He's probably still  wondering why I haven't written back.

10)  Don't respond to an ad that says they're looking for a specific type of person and you're definitely *not* that type of person.  If they only want a blonde and you have brown hair, then don't waste your time.  If they want someone who's athletic and you don't even own a pair of tennis shoes, then don't bother.  Again this might sound shallow, but if they took the time to mention it in their ad, then it's probably important to them.  *BUT* if they mention a whole slew of things that you do have in common and there's only one difference between what they are looking for and yourself, then you might as well go for it.  But make sure to mention the part of their ad that you don't fit and explain why you still wrote.  Don't
let them assume that you are exactly that person they are trying to catch.

That's it.  Hopefully these will give you some ideas on how  to improve your personal ad responses.  If they work, then great. If they don't, try again.  Always try again.

If you want more advice on how to post, respond to, write and read personal ads, go to:



Gaysia comments.  Thanks for the advice. Especially the bit about being honest !



I think Gaysia is a great idea  - there are many asians wanting to 'break out'  Anyway, this is my contribution.

I am Muslim, I first had sex with a man last year - whilst on holiday.When I came back - I sent replies to ads in Pink Paper, Boyz and the internet.

Very few came back - and when they did, they wanted someone to fuck.  I found that many of the white men just wanted to be dominant (TOP). When you love someone - why should there be any conditions?

This made me very cynical about the way gay and bi men meet in general.  We Asians are just another pool of men for the taking, it seems.

Onto other things...


I have a boyfriend.  However, before we had any kind of sex - I insisted that we both have an AIDS test and tests for other sexual diseases.  My boyfriend said there was nothing wrong with him but I insisted.  We were both clear - so we were both happy about that.We had injections for Hepatitis A and B and other immunisations - stay healthy. We had a further AIDS test 3-4 months later.  We were still clear. It was only then, that I had unprotectd sex with my boyfriend.

We are in an open relationship.  When we go with other men (and women in my case - I am bi) we always use condoms and safe sex. I cannot stress - how important it is to use condoms and safe sex with  people you have just met.  Gay sex to me is not some kind of dangerous  perversion - it is a part of my life - and that is how it should be for all  men. All men please also get injections for Hepatitis A & B - a visit to the sex clinic could save your life.

Sex can be dangerous - please whatever colour you are - dont risk your lives for a fuck. Fucking with someone you have just met - no matter how healthy and honest they appear - and not using a condom - is going to get you fucked - and you could die a horrible death from AIDS.

Try explaining to your family how you got AIDS - and then also telling them that you are gay. Fucking without condoms is selfish and stupid.  Please protect yourselves and survive - to stay alive.

T in Yorkshire

Most gay pubs in London have free packs of FREEDOMS which contain two extra strong condoms and two sachets of lubricant. You may have to ask at the bar but don't be embarrassed.

PRIDE 2000

The Gay Pride march, sorry Mardi Gras, this year seemed to lack some of the atmosphere of previous years and was very heavily policed. Perhaps this was a result of the conviction of David Copeland, the bomber who targeted, Asians, Blacks and Gays.

On of the noticeable differences over the years however has been the change in the racial mix of the marchers. Even fairly recently, it was mainly white gays and lesbians. This year there were large numbers of people of all races. Perhaps at last many of us have stopped being scared of being seen on the March. 

On the subject of Copeland, when will older Black and Asian families realise that Gay people have a lot in common with with them, being a minority targeted by a whole range of nut cases, bishops, mullahs, politians, rabis, born again christians, lords and ladies. Minorities gain strength if they work together and accept they have more in common than they have differences. 




In the Pink paper for August 27th is a letter from a guy who has found in his words 'unrepentant anti asian antagonism' on the gay scene. He claims to have been called a 'paki' an 'aotola' and a 'dirty arab'.

He ends by blaming the body fascism of gay white smooth pseudo-greek marble like forms of strutting gay white anglo saxon yuppies. Asians, he claims are brown, poor and untouchables under gay dictatorship.

Well, I'm Asian, and brown, surprise, surprise. My body is reasonably good although I don't work out and it would look OK carved on a Hindu temple. I have a totally different experience to the writer of the letter experiencing very little racism around the pubs and clubs of London.

I'm not saying it does not exist, just that my experience is pretty positive. I am not poor but I am not rich, I'm just an average guy like most people of most races living in this city. 

Perhaps the writer should try some new places to hang out.




Hi friends!

As you read this, men in Web chat rooms all over the world are looking to 
get to know other men. Some want a friend, others want cybersex; but many intend to meet a fellow chatter face-to-face.


The Internet provides plenty of chances for people to meet each other, but it's not magic. There's no guarantee, for example, that you will like the 
guy in real life just because he has a witty personality online. I've learned this the hard way—by watching some of my friends get broken hearts, 
broken dreams, and, in an extreme case, broken bones. But you can increase your sense of satisfaction from face-to-face meetings by following some of these simple guidelines:

1)Trade pictures. Remember that game Show-and-Tell from kindergarten? Well, think of this as a variation on the "Show" part of the game. Send your online companion a photo that represents you well—not just in terms of physical appearance but also in terms of your personality. How you're posing in the picture, for example, says something about your attitude.

  2)Trade phone numbers, and talk on the phone first. If you're 
self-conscious about your voice, get over it—he's going to hear it when you meet, anyway. Like the passing of pictures, talking on the phone gives each man a chance to get a better idea of the other. You'll be able to sense cues about his mood and temperament. If he's got a mouth like a sewer, or if he's got more sibilant s's than Stuart Smalley, you'll want to know.

3)Be honest. This is the "Tell" portion of the old kindergarten game; and 
judging from the exaggerations and fibs that fill many online profiles, it 
appears that not many of us learned it well. The Internet gives us all the 
chance to role-play and take on different personas, which is wonderful—except when your date is expecting a 24-year-old bodybuilder and you're really a 36-year-old Twiggy lookalike. The best way to avoid disaster in your meeting is to be honest about yourself beforehand.

4)Meet in a public, neutral setting. Chances are there will be plenty of 
surprises—good or bad—during your meeting, so the location shouldn't be another one. Consider the meeting place as your insurance against a sudden hissy fit or unwanted advance from him. Wasn't it a gay man who said "Location is everything"? Believe him.

5)Remember that an online chat room is no different than a gay bar. In 
other words, it's a hit-or-miss grab bag: You really don't know what you're getting most of the time. Though men seem to talk and share more genuinely in chat rooms, the pick-up line is alive and well in cyberspace. It's just a bit more subtle—sometimes.

6)Remind yourself of the differences between love and a quickie. It's rare 
to find true love based on a few chats. But you'd be surprised by how many people forget it! While chatting, some men make themselves vulnerable to other men, and trust them, in a short period of time; and this sometimes gets confused for love. Don't be misled! Keep a dictionary near your mousepad at all times.

7)If you want the meeting to feel like a date, treat it like one and bring flowers. I recommend this only if you're confident that this meeting could lead to a romance, and you want to send such a signal. Flowers are a safe option, but you might want to select a more creative token based on what you already know about his tastes.

8)If you're far from home and hoping for a sleepover invitation, make hotel reservations, just in case. You may show up at his place and discover that his wife will be home in a few hours. So unless you really want to stick around and watch what's-her-name fly off the handle, you'd better have a Plan B.

9)The best way to avoid disaster in your meeting is to be honest about yourself beforehand. But bring protection, just in case. This could mean condoms if you're lucky, and mace if you're not. If you score, chances are he's still relatively unknown to you—this is not the time to slap your forehead and say, "Gee, I should have brought the rubbers!" I'm only half-serious about the mace, but you have to remember: If you go home with someone you've just met, you are risking your personal safety at some level. Use your common sense, and keep your eyes open.

10)Keep your expectations low. Many of my friends—and a sizable number of Gay.Com members in a recent poll—say they're usually disappointed after meeting an online buddy. I'd guess they forgot these meetings are all, at some level, chance encounters. Don't expect them to be much more, and you won't be disappointed. Take your time and plan your face-to-face meeting; don't hurry. There are plenty of guys out there. And if you're careful, you just may find one who's worth taking a chance on.  As ABBA sing in the cheerful hit "Take a Chance on Me": "Oh you can take your time, baby, I'm in no hurry."





This is a sad story but one which has a message for Asian guys out there who are gay but find life difficult.

Once upon a time, and I should warn you this is no fairy story, a young Asian man in his early twenties was enjoying his life. He had moved to London and had plenty of friends, a job and a place to live.

His family back in the provinces, however, put increasing pressure on him to return to his home town, get married and settle down.  As he was especially attached to his mother and didn't want to upset her, he eventually made a break with London and moved back, was introduced to a girl and got married.

He gave up gay life to begin with believing that, like giving up smoking, a clean cut was the best way to avoid temptation. A child was born and although by now there were occasional furtive visits to local cottages, the gay thing was under control.

Eventually however he met a guy and fell in love with him. He was Asian and married and would not leave his wife so they could be together. 

A second child was born and by now he was suffering real pressures from his double life. Eventually he snapped and, sad to say killed, himself, alone, unhappy  inhaling the exhaust fumes from his car. 

His family lost a son, his wife a husband, his children, a father, his friend, a lover and the world a lovely, good natured human being who only wanted to put other people first in his life and ended up hurting everyone.

I knew him over a period of some eight years. My reaction to his death was anger. Anger with him for not taking other ways out of his dilemma, anger at a homophobic society which pressured him and anger with myself for perhaps not being able to spot the real depth of his unhappiness.

I myself was trapped in a marriage and leading a double life but managed to break out and accept my real nature. My friend was not able to do so. It is a situation I know many gay Asian men face and is not an easy one to deal with. But leaving this planet is no answer


(Perhaps you have views you would like to contribute on this subject. Send them to us by E:Mail. We don't need any names or personal details)



If you think gay life in London can be oppresive, think of your brothers overseas. These two reports were found on an Indian newsgroup. Names have been removed

Police raid on a gay rave nets big names Rich kids-gay men, gay women, some hetero with-it ladies-an exotic location, liquor, Ecstasy pills, trance music, the full Monty, a wild weekend night-and Mumbai police. Almost Bollywood. Totally true. Raves and outre gatherings are new in Mumbai-or news, but the one last weekend near Madh Island at a sprawling bungalow with beachfront compound is bigger and hotter news than many in Mumbai might want to handle. 

Recently about 150 people mostly between 18-25 kicked off the pay-your-way party (Rs 600 a head) around midnight with fireworks. A little over an hour later, the action had got down to basics, following through with the promise of the invitation-a  sensual, heavenly and ethereal experience by the apostles of heaven,-shorthand for casual sex, drugs, a drag queen  show, and a roll of male strip-tease. 

That,s when the police of Mumbai,s North-West district, who had been watching for about an hour, broke up the party. Besides the strippers, they arrested the organisers: and two friends  Rich youth can’t commit a crime and get away by using money power or influence trumpets Additional Commissioner of Police Rakesh Maria, who supervised the raid and the arrests under the Prohibition Act, Obscenity Act and  other laws. 

What’s making waves isn’t that the party was bust, but the people who were bust. One belongs to a leading Mumbai  family with very strong links to local political bigwigs. Insiders say the pressure on the media to hush up the names was intense. The police got the better of that, they issued an  innocuous, routine press release with the names. 

Now, the six arrested are out on bail and accusing the police of forcing them to pose semi-nude for pictures to be used as incriminating evidence. It was a real nightmare,, says one of the organisers, visibly shaken. It is certainly an attempt to tarnish our family image.,The authorities  deny it flatly. They maintains there was no coercion, and that the show was clearly objectionable and can be proven in court,.


Adapted from report on Gay Bombay bulletin board.


The Free Press Journal - Tuesday, June 8, 1999 Elite 'sex party' on Madh Island raided

In a shocking incident, the city police, in the wee hours of Monday, busted a major
sex party racket by arresting 150 elite class persons, including three organisers,
three nude male dancers, 25 girls, two US citizens and some eunuchs after raiding
a bungalow at Madh Island, Malad 

Additional commissioner of Police (North-West region) Rakesh Maria told 
newspersons at the city police headquarters on Monday afternoon that acting
on tip-off that the sex parties were being regularly organised at Madh Island,
the special squad, led by a Police Inspector raided the event. Two PSIs, 
including a woman SI and two police constables posing as guests, gained 
entry into the party after payment with marked currency notes of Rs 600 each.

The party, which was supposed to start at 11.30 pm, became colourful as 
the clock ticked away with the celebration of fireworks at its peak at about
1.00 am. The policemen, who had already joined the party as guests passed 
the information to the waiting colleagues that three male dancers were stripped
by some females in the party while dancing on a stage illuminated
by special light effects. 

The police party then swung into action and raided the sex party,;
and arrested 150 persons coming from elite class. The crowd, including
foreigners, was tipsy and screaming with excitement while watching the 
dance by nude dancers, eunuchs and girls.The stage was well designed 
with laser lights, a bar and a dinner counter with delicious food for those
attending the party. A stock of foreign liquor bottles and beer bottles worth
Rs 28,000 along with music instruments and lights worth Rs 1.06 lakh and 
cash worth Rs 11,690 including marked currency notes along with entry
passes bearing obscene photograph of a nude male, were seized.

A case of obscenity under Section 294 R/W 34 IPC has been registered
against the organisers and the participants. Besides, the organisers were 
charged with possessing liquor without permit under the Bombay Prohibition 
Act and contravening the provisions of the Bombay Police Act for not obtaining
permission for printing and selling of entry passes and performing stage show 
and using loud speaker without police permission. Maria said special invitation 
cards carrying the picture of a nude male dancer were distributed to those

interested in having some fun by the sun, sand and wind on a payment of Rs 600 each. Special buses from Malad railway station to Madh Island were also arranged. 
Out and Muslim

Beatings, kidnap, hypocrisy and death threats - 'M' talks about the trial of being a gay Muslim in Britain today. 

 The slender figure of 19 year-old 'M' sits on the battered sofa of his London bedsit. "I have to be careful", he says, peering out of the window to check that no-one is coming to the door. "I don't even tell my friends where I live." Several weeks earlier, his brothers had beaten him unconscious while his mother, chanting the name of Allah, looked on impassively. Later, a religious leader said he should be killed. Why? Because M is gay and Muslim. Like 75,000 others in Britain.

Covered in bruises, M fled the next day to London. He was lucky in establishing contact with a local MP who found him temporary accommodation. But there was another ordeal M had to endure, which confirmed the need for vigilance forever in his mind. After several brief television appearances in which he spoke up for gay rights, his family learnt of his whereabouts. They were determined to punish him, not only for being gay, but also for publicly declaring his sexuality on TV, which they saw as a betrayal of the family name. This time, they came with knives. His brothers and male relatives lay in wait for him as he walked up the pathway to his house. At knifepoint they forced him into a car and drove him back to the family home. There, they tried talking to him to "cure" him of his sexuality, but when it became obvious they wouldn't succeed, his family disowned him. 

"I was terrified, but relieved that at least they did not use violence against me this time. It won't be easy for me, but at least I know where I stand, and I can get on with my life in the way I choose."

Because of his ordeal, M, previously a devout Muslim, abandoned his faith. Homophobia is endorsed at the highest levels of the Islamic hierarchy., an influential cleric at the prestigious London Central Mosque, Regent's Park, believes that: "We must burn all gays to prevent paedophilia and the spread of AIDS." 

Despite the cleric's insistence that homosexuality doesn't exist in Islamic countries, it has often flourished there, in marked contrast to official religious censure. Despite the impression created by recent executions of homosexuals in hard-line Islamic states such as Afghanistan and Iran, in most Muslim countries, Muslims, especially men, have considerable freedom to have gay sex in private as long as they do not openly come out as gay. In cruising grounds and meeting places all over the Islamic world, married men often talk about their families before engaging in a spot of illicit sex. 

In the West many gay Muslims, brought up in the prevailing individualism, no longer conform to social expectations. Some, like M, even come out to their families. Despite overwhelming hostility, some Western gay Muslims of faith are now even publicly advocating that it is possible to be gay and Muslim from a religious perspective. This is only possible in the West. If attempted in Islamic countries, they might well be executed.

Al-Fatiha is one group which is trying not simply to reconcile being gay or lesbian and Muslim, but to be Muslim in a new, more compassionate way. Al-Fatiha's spokesperson, says: "The face we see of Islam in the media is of imams who have missed the point. They create an oppressive, orthodox, unimaginative and inhumane society, which cuts people off from God's love. This is absurd. We as gay Muslims who are marginalised, can re-awaken the spirit of love within Islam. 

Names of real people have been changed, other than Sheikh Sharkhawy's.

Al-Fatiha organised a retreat for gay Muslims in London in June 2000. Contact details:
405 Park Avenue, Suite 1500, New York City, NY 10022.
Tel: (001) 212 752 3188.

You can email:


The Naz Project supports South Asian gays, bisexuals and men who have sex with men. Info: 0208-741 8979.

Article adapted from the Pink paper

The following is a precis of a posting on Gay Bombay by Founder and Director of Al-Fatiha Faisal Alam

Just a small clarification, I am actually from the USA.  My official "title" if you will with Al-Fatiha is its Founder & Director.  With God's grace  (Alhamdulillah), Al-Fatiha has now grown to include 7 chapters in the  US,  UK, and Canada.  Each chapter has local discussion and social events  to  bring LGBTQ Muslims & their friends together.  Our mission to help  and  support LGBTQ Muslims who are trying to reconcile their sexual 
orientation  and/or gender identity with Islam.  Our web site is located at, but unfortunately it is currently down. :-(

Yours sincerely,

Faisal Alam



I hate using condoms but I like being on top. A lot of guys are happy to be taken without a condom but I have never taken the risk although I'm tempted every time.

Recently I met a guy who wanted to take me and although it's something I've never experienced I let him. He used a condom so no problem there and although it hurt like hell for a few minutes after the first time, the second and third time were better (I stayed all night)

Now I'm getting most of my pleasure from being a bottom and the temptation to be on top without a condom has gone away. I still get on top sometimes but more and more I find my natural position is underneath.

I don't really know why I'm writing this except that it helped me and stopped me perhaps doing something stupid and someone else might have the same problem.


GAYSIA COMMENT. Penetration without a condom is stupid but as you say tempting. Perhaps more of us should explore other options and widen our  sexual experiences. Comments welcome.


I'm a Muslim and circumcised, of course. I like my partners to be also circumcised. I'm not keen on Jewish guys although I'm sure they are OK, it's just a religious thing, and American guys who often are cut, come on a bit too heavy in my experience.

Some older white English guys I have met have been cut and told me it was fairly common once in this country. I don't have much of a problem chatting up guys but do find it hard to ask about the status of their equipment. A quick look in the toilet is often the only answer. Apart from that, I don't have any problems about being gay. It's how I was made and I just want to enjoy being what I am.



OK so I'm on the net and I've found sites with ads from guys I'd like to meet. How do I go about it ? How much detail should I give in E:Mail replies. Is it OK to send a photo and if so how explicit. How many of the guys are really genuine ?.

I really want to meet guys. I live at home with parents and get very frustrated. I daren't go to gay pubs and cottages are all closed ( a friend says they were great ten years ago !)

Many of the guys on the net sound just right for me but I'm nervous about taking the next step after the initial exchange of E:Mails. Can someone out there who is 'streetwise' where sex on the net is concerned give some tips and advice. 


GAYSIA COMMENT.  Have you worked out how to get past that first contact and end up in bed with the guy of your dreams. Write to us and help your gay brothers.Send advice to us by E:Mail. We don't need any names or personal details)



A few years ago I had to get this gay thing sorted. I met a guy, white, and started seeing him then even took him home to meet my wife. She saw him as just a friend.

Now I live with my friend but still go back and see my wife and two children. I support them financially but it is still hard. 

I came from India originally and in my village had sex with almost all the decent looking boys and men at one time or another. It was just sex, not homosex. In England it was more difficult but I can cope with things as they now are.

I used to use cottages here but now I'm older and seem settled. Anyway most cottages have gone and I don't like pubs.

I don't know what will happen when my kids are grown up. Perhaps I should encourage my wife to divorce me and marry again. I don't know. It is a question to be answered, but not now.




I was born in this country but my parents came from India. If they knew I was gay they would kill me but I hide it pretty well.

The hard part is avoiding the expected marriage. I can feel the pressure building and will I think have to make a reason to leave home. I love my family and don't want to hurt anyone but marriage would hurt me and eventually the girl.

I am determined though to lead my own life. 




I've read some of the stuff on the Gaysia pages and can only say to some of the gays 'get your act together' I'm Indian, I'm married and got two kids, a house and a decent job. I'm pretty happy with that and wouldn't want to lose it. I also love sex with men and over the years (I'm 37) I've built up a string of contacts with guys I know and trust who I can ring up and visit.

My wife never questions where I go, she is very traditional, and she seems to accept that our own sex life is not very intense although we cuddle a lot. Perhaps if I was white or in a different culture I would feel different but at the moment I can't see anything changing and don't see why it should.

There's lots of guys out there not looking for you to live with them. Treat them properly, don't mess them about and they will welcome you with open legs anytime you call. Being a minority in this country is even an advantage and the fact that so many Indian guys are ....scared of gay sex even when they desperately want it makes it even better. Less competition, see. 

I think I've got the best of all worlds and I should add, I'm not Mr. India, just a reasonable looking guy who has used his head about using his .....


GAYSIA COMMENT.Direct and to the point. I have to say that I have met guys with just this attitude and they seem to be well balanced, mature individuals and G.I.B. Any more out there would like to add their comments ?



I hate using condoms but I like being on top. A lot of guys are happy to be taken without a condom but I have never taken the risk although I'm tempted every time.

Recently I met a guy who wanted to take me and although it's something I've never experienced I let him. He used a condom so no problem there and although it hurt like hell for a few minutes after the first time, the second and third time were better (I stayed all night)

Now I'm getting most of my pleasure from being a bottom and the temptation to be on top without a condom has gone away. I still get on top sometimes but more and more I find my natural position is underneath.

I don't really know why I'm writing this except that it helped me and stopped me perhaps doing something stupid and someone else might have the same problem.


GAYSIA COMMENT. Penetration without a condom is stupid but as you say tempting. Perhaps more of us should explore other options and widen our  sexual experiences. Comments welcome.


I'm a Muslim and circumcised, of course. I like my partners to be also circumcised. I'm not keen on Jewish guys although I'm sure they are OK, it's just a religious thing, and American guys who often are cut, come on a bit too heavy in my experience.

Some older white English guys I have met have been cut and told me it was fairly common once in this country. I don't have much of a problem chatting up guys but do find it hard to ask about the status of their equipment. A quick look in the toilet is often the only answer. Apart from that, I don't have any problems about being gay. It's how I was made and I just want to enjoy being what I am.



OK so I'm on the net and I've found sites with ads from guys I'd like to meet. How do I go about it ? How much detail should I give in E:Mail replies. Is it OK to send a photo and if so how explicit. How many of the guys are really genuine ?.

I really want to meet guys. I live at home with parents and get very frustrated. I daren't go to gay pubs and cottages are all closed ( a friend says they were great ten years ago !)

Many of the guys on the net sound just right for me but I'm nervous about taking the next step after the initial exchange of E:Mails. Can someone out there who is 'streetwise' where sex on the net is concerned give some tips and advice.


GAYSIA COMMENT.  Have you worked out how to get past that first contact and end up in bed with the guy of your dreams. Write to us and help your gay brothers.Send advice to us by E:Mail. We don't need any names or personal details)



A few years ago I had to get this gay thing sorted. I met a guy, white, and started seeing him then even took him home to meet my wife. She saw him as just a friend.

Now I live with my friend but still go back and see my wife and two children. I support them financially but it is still hard. 

I came from India originally and in my village had sex with almost all the decent looking boys and men at one time or another. It was just sex, not homosex. In England it was more difficult but I can cope with things as they now are.

I used to use cottages here but now I'm older and seem settled. Anyway most cottages have gone and I don't like pubs.

I don't know what will happen when my kids are grown up. Perhaps I should encourage my wife to divorce me and marry again. I don't know. It is a question to be answered, but not now.




I was born in this country but my parents came from India. If they knew I was gay they would kill me but I hide it pretty well.

The hard part is avoiding the expected marriage. I can feel the pressure building and will I think have to make a reason to leave home. I love my family and don't want to hurt anyone but marriage would hurt me and eventually the girl.

I am determined though to lead my own life. 




I am white, british born and have live for over eighteen years in a gay relationship with an Asian man.

I have to say that they have been the best years of my life and prove that such relationships can and do work. In the early stages, I had to hide away when his family were around, now even his mother sends her good wishes to me every time she phones. I have stayed in his relatives' houses and they have stayed in our home.

My own family have been very accepting  and while my own parents were alive, they always welcomed us.

My partner has strong religious beliefs, I have none but it has never caused a problem because we respect each others right to believe what they wish.

We have gone through phases in the eighteen years from having a closed relationship to it being more open without any damage to it's under lying strength. 

We have both gone through  bereavements and illnesses in close relatives and been supportive of each other in those situations, something which, I feel, has earned us the respect of our families for our relationship.

During the past years we have travelled to many parts of the world and come up with very little negative reaction to us a a) a mixed race couple and b) a gay mixed race couple. We have had no  negative reactions from neighbours and both of us have been'out' in our workplaces with no problems.

The object of writing this ? Just to offer an alternative view to the tales of prejudice, raciscism and homophobia which too often is used to represent the gay world as it is for Asian men. Our experience has been very different although that does not deny that such things exist.



Like many Asian men, I am married. I also have kids.  Before I married I was very scared because I was gay but I found guys mostly in toilets, I was too scared to go to gay pubs and I didn't know where they were.

I have been married now for ten years and I now have one or two guys I see on a regular basis including a guy I used to work for. I am still too scared to go to pubs in case I see someone I know. I just find the pressure to be with someone builds up and I have to find an excuse to go out. I wish it wasn't like this but cannot see any other way.

My wife is a good woman but we don't really have much in common. I cannot leave and I do have my kids to think about. I don't know how it is for younger ones but perhaps they will find being gay easier. I hope so.



This is a sad
For UK based Asian gay men and their friends.