HUMOUR
...
Humour is universal. The idea that one culture has great jokes and another wouldn't
know a joke if they slipped up on it in the street is totally wrong.
Germans are considered to lack humour but then could any nation without a sense of
humour invent the bockwurst, the nearest thing to an edible dick on earth ?
South Asian don't have a great reputation for humour although it is thought that
they smile a lot more than Europeans.
Perhaps it is the sight of europeans tucking into yet another plate of Chicken Ticka Masala
that they find humourous or it could just be that they just  find life one big joke.
.
.
 

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INDEX
You know you are South Asian(IndoPak) when

BIG BROTHER -- The Gay Version

Mother Knows

What I want in a Man

Defunitions

Sign Story

Superman Joke

Silly jokes.

WHAT I WANT IN A MAN

 
What I Want in a Man, Original List 
(age 22):

1. Handsome

2. Charming

3. Financially successful

4. A caring listener

5. Witty

6. In good shape

7. Dresses with style

8. Appreciates finer things

9. Full of thoughtful surprises

10. An imaginative, romantic lover.


What I Want in a Man, Revised List 
(age 42):

1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)

2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car

3. Works steady -- splurges on dinner out occasionally

4. Nods head when I'm talking

5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes

6. Is in! good enough shape to rearrange the furniture

7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach

8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids

9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down

10. Shaves most weekends
.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List 
(age 32):

1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)

2. Opens car doors, holds chairs

3. Has enough money for a nice dinner

4. Listens more than talks

5. Laughs at my jokes

6. Carries bags of groceries with ease

7. Owns at least one tie

8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal

9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries

10. Seeks romance at least once a week.


What I Want in a Man, Revised List 
(age 52):

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed

2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public

3. Doesn't borrow money too often

4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting

5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times

6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends

7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear

8. Appreciates a good TV dinner

9. Remembers my name on occasion

10. Shaves some weekends.
 

Defunitions

Abdicate--v., to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Carcinoma--n., a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.
Esplanade--v., to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Flabbergasted--adj., appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Negligent--adj., describes a condition in which you absentmindedly 
answer the door in your nightie.
Lymph--v., to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle--n., an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Bustard--n., a very rude Metrobus driver.
Coffee--n., a person who is coughed upon.
Flatulence--n., the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are 
run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash--n., a rapidly receding hairline.
Semantics--n., pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before vespers.
Marionettes--n., residents of Washington who have been jerked around by the mayor.
Oyster--n., a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
Frisbatarianism--n., Belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck


BIG BROTHER -- The Gay Version

    Here's the premise: Fifteen Gay males are put in a fabulous two bedroom condo in Earl's Court. Each week they vote out one of the group until there is one survivor whowill get a £1 million Gucci shopping spree (by Tom Ford) .

The Rules:

1. No music by Madonna allowed.

2. Redecorating the apartment or re-arranging the furniture is allowed onlyonce per week.

3. There is only one rotary phone line for all fifteen queens and no callcan last more than three minutes; under no circumstances will mobilel phones be allowed.

4. The use of the terms "girlfriend," "sister," "bitch," "queen" or "honey"are NOT allowed.

5. Fresh flowers will only be delivered every two weeks.

6. Those considered "tops" and those considered "bottoms" will switch every other day. I said 'switch' not 'swish'

7. Only 1998 back issues of Vanity Fair, GQ, Ocean Drive, Attitude, Hello,Vogue and People magazine are allowed.

8. The only concert "Gay Big Brother" are allowed to attend is the Diana RossSupremes reunion concert (Cancelled? Sorry!)

9. Survivors are only allowed to change clothes three times a day.

10. The only video that can be played during the entire run is BarbaraStreisand in "Yentil."

11. All underwear by CK disallowed; everyone forced to wear poly/cotton briefs from Littlewoods

12. Must be able to discuss in length every episode of the "Coronation Street."

13. Ecstacy, grass, and Absolute are NOT available; only alcohol allowedwill be Hooch (orange flavour).

14. Must be able to sing at a moments notice "I am what I am"

15. "Heaven's White Party" tickets will go on sale while you are on "Big Brother" You are allowed to charge over the phone.

16. No catalogues from Harrods, Harvey Nicks or Clone Zone are allowed.

17. No time allowed to visit your hairdresser for a quick "highlight."

18. Can only go to the gym every other week.

19. You may NOT make it out of the show for Halloween or Divali.

20. No food from carry out or delivery; no Diet Coke stockpiled in fridge;
no soy milk substitute allowed.

21. Oral sex with the producer, real name Amrit but generally refered to as 'Moti', in the two weeks before filming starts is not allowed although totally understandable. 

22. Only one person a day is allowed to do Bette Davis "Whatever happened to Baby Jane"

23. Only British made 'gay erotica' videos can be played. Anyone actually coming after watching, awarded an extra life if chosen for eviction.

24. The word "Prada" can not be mentioned under any circumstances.

25. An arched eye brow may not be used to display shock, surprise, or
skepticism.

Oh yes, the winners gets to have as much sex with the producer as he wishes, in fact if he ever wants to see the £1 million, it's advisable

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THE SIGN STORY
Click anywhere on this image to read full size version

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MOTHER KNOWS
Ali invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Ali's young male roommate was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.  Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ali and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Ali volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Kay and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Kay came to Ali saying "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver chutney jar. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mother,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the chutney jar from my room, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the chutney jar. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Ali

Several days later, Ali received an email from his Mother which read:

Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Kay, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Kay. But the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the chutney jar by now.
Love, Mom

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SUPERMAN JOKE

Superman was feeling bored after a week of crime fighting and wanted to go out and party so he called Batman on his mobile to ask if he wanted to go to a club. Batman said no, Robin had invited trade round and they were having a threesome.

Disappointed, and a little jealous,  Superman called Spider Man to see if he fancied a few beers at the Silver Slipper. Spider Man said, no, he had a date with the Incredible Hulk. As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs wide open missionary style and grinding her hips like a mad thing. 

Superman getting a bit frustrated, suddenly had a thought. "If I'm faster than a speeding bullet,I could be in there, give her one  and be out before she knew what was happening." So Superman slipped on a condom, flew in, screwed her hard and then flew  off happily dropping the used condom on the head of a passing catholic priest. 

Wonder woman, who had noticed nothing but thought she heard something, put her head on one side and asked the invisible man who was laying on top of her with his dick deep inside her if he had heard anything.'No' he said, 'but suddenly my ass feels bloody sore.'

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SILLY JOKES FROM THE SUB CONTINENT
 More ethnic politically incorrect Jokes 

As you know, mobile phones are every where now and even in India!!!
MOTOROLA, ERICSSON, SEIMENS and NOKIA are leading mobile phone companies in India.
>
>Here is the conversation between four desi wives at a party in Mumbai who 
>started talking about the latest status symbol (i.e. cell phones) :
>
>FIRST Singh wife says......"Mera pati kei pass MOTA LORA hai..."
>
>SECOND Singh wife says....."Aare, sirf MOTA LORA se kya hoga? ERECTION
>chahiye..."
>
>THIRD Singh wife steps in and says...."Aare, MOTA LORA bhi theek hai,
>ERRECTION bhi theek hai, pun SEMEN nahi to kya faida?...."
>
>The FOURTH Singh wife said....."MOTA LORA bhi ho, ERRECTION bhiho, SEMEN 
>bhi ho, lekin NA KIYA to kya faida?"

Enjoy.. from  London wala

***********************************************

Mrs. Banta Singh was in the habit of having long conversation on the telephone, sometimes going on over an hour. One day she hung up after 25minutes.
"What is the matter today? asked her husband. "Today you had less than half an hour conversation on the phone."
"I got a wrong number," replied Mrs. Banta Singh.
*****************************************************
Banta Singh was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. 
The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defence.
"They should nto put up such misleading notices,"said Banta Singh." It said "FINE FOR PARKING HERE."
*****************************************************
A haryanavi peasant came to the office of The Hindustan Times to place an advertisement announcing his father's death. "The rate is Rs. 360 persingle col. cm," the clerk told him.
"Main to lut jaoonga - I 'll be ruined," exclaimed the haryanavi. "My father was 182 cms tall.
"*****************************************************
Two Sardarjis were in conversation on the beach :
Sardarji 1 :Praaji , Ise 'beach' kyo kaheete hai ?
Sardarji 2 : Tumhe nahe pata ?
Sardarji 1 : Nahe pata.
Sardarji 2 : Woh to Aasmaan aur Zameen ke beech mein hai esliye eesai beach kahete hai .
******************************************************
A lala, very proud of his humour used to say to his wife while leaving for the shop : 'Good bye Char Bacchon ki Maa' .
One day his wife fed up of this answered : ' Bye Bye, Doo Bacchon Ke Baap'. 
That ended the lalaji's witticisms.

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You know you are South Asian(IndoPak) when ...

Your house smells like fried onions.

When you tell your parents you got 98%, and they ask you what happened to the other two percent. (True)

There is a sale on any item, you buy 100 of them. (no... 150)

You make tea in a saucepan. (True)

You never buy bin bags, but use your saved grocery bags for it.

You put your clothes in suitcases instead of wardrobes. (Sad but true)

You have a 'Singer Brother' sewing machine at home.

Your mother has a minor disagreement with her sister and doesn't talk to her for ten years.

You call an older person you've never met before "uncle". (or"Aunty")

You hide everything from your parents.

Your mother does everything for you if you are male.

You do all the housework and cooking if you are female.

Your relatives alone could populate a small city. (We could populate the UK)

You study law, medicine or engineering at university.

You were thick so you studied Travel and Tourism or business instead.

You know no one who has studied music.

You went to a university as far away from home as possible. (I wish)

You still came back home to live with your parents after you had finished.

Your best friend got married at the age of 18. (True)

You only make telephone calls after 6pm.

You like the meat well done.

You eat onions with everything. (They taste especially good with my Weetabix)

You use chilli sauce instead of tomato ketchup.

You fight over who pays the dinner bill.

You teach Westerners swearwords in your language.

You order Indian food in your own language to impress the people you're with but the waiters don't understand you.

You secure your baggage with a rope.

You're walking out of customs with your trolley at the airport and you see all twenty-five members of your family who have come to pick you up.

You get very upset when airlines refuse to accept your luggage which is just 80 lbs. overweight

You go back to your parents' country and people treat you like a member  of the royal family. (True ... but I deserve it)

You ask your dad a simple question and he tells you story of how he had to walk miles barefoot just to get to school.

Your parents drive a Nissan\Toyota

You're rich so they drive a Mercedes

(For females) You're parents would freak out if you wore a crop top baring your midriff but wearing a sari is perfectly acceptable (For females) Your brother had no curfew while you had to be home at 9pm

You are ALWAYS taking off and putting on your shoes wherever you go

When you were little you always wondered why your English friends waited until after breakfast to brush their teeth when you did it first thing in the morning (I still wonder about that)

To your English friends, oil is used purely for cooking and not as a grooming aid

Your parents have nicknames but only because people they work with just stop  when trying to read their names

You have annoying nicknames like Chotu, Chicku or Jagu!!! (thankfully not)

Your parents call all your friends "Beta" (son) whether they are indian or not

Your mother measures wealth in gold and diamonds

Your parents drink 6 cups of tea a day

Your parents push the concept of an arranged marriage on you and try to demonstrate how well it works whenever they're not fighting.

Your parents compare you to all of their friends' kids.

At least once a week your mom says, "I want to go to India/Pakistan"

No one ever seems to call ahead of time to say they are coming over for a visit. ( Editors note. I have problems with this from guys visitng for sex !)

*Your parents worry what other people will think if you're not going to be a doctor/ lawyer/ engineer. You're parent's always say, "It's cheaper in
India/Pakistan"

( submitted by one of our Asian visitors)

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