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The problem with thinking is one thing leads to another
I have had a lot of letters about my technique for getting to sleep which I reported on in a previous column. It seems that remembering names and what was done with each one and when and even why has been tried out by many readers with exactly the results I experienced.

I tried another technique recently, having had a sleepless night worrying about all those poor gay vicars and priests unable to express their love in a physical way and wondering where all the unexpressed fluid went to. In some cases I believe it goes into their brains and is responsible for some of the ejaculations which come out of their mouths.

I decided to work out in my brain, how much 'you know' the average gay man produces in a lifetime and how many buckets it would fill. Now we all know that many a muckle makes a mackle, it's something we learn at our mother knee. But you know that little bit of creamy white fluid captured in the teat of a used condom or scattered all over the hairy stomach of a nameless barman from a pub on the Thames near Putney, looks so insignificant.

Sure every spurt has the power to create millions of lesbians and gays but it really doesn't look very much except in american porno films. Get your spaceman given brain in gear, however, and start calculating. First let's assume each spurt is about a quarter of a fluid ounce. Now some clever dick is bound to dispute that figure by claiming to squirt out a pint or two every time he comes but you have to have some kind of starting figure. I am certainly not going to start coming into a glass measuring cylinder just to satisfy some sad queen who expects accuracy in the gay press.

No, a quarter of a fluid ounce it is. If you come every day as many of us do alone or otherwise and at an age when we should know better, that is 91,25 ounces per year or 4.56 pints. Now we have to make a few assumptions such as the age at which we start making our pyjama bottoms stiff. In my case it was about eight so we will assume that is normal for everyone. If we carry on producing until we are seventy and accepting that over production in the teens and twenties will balance some falling off later that gives 62 productive years.

62 times 4.56 pints equals 282.72 pints or 35.34 gallons produced in 22,630 portions. At this point I fell asleep but the next day the calculations went on. If there are four million gay men in the UK their total lifetime output will be, and so on. I really don't know if I can stop the process without a night out on the lager. The only problem is that every time I look at a pint glass, my brain starts thinking...

By the way I can't keep referring to one of my past consorts as 'a barman from a pub by the Thames at Putney' so I've had to call him Edith. I ran out of more manly names but I'm sure he won't mind., in fact the name quite suits him. Mr. Borman would have enjoyed showing him his films.

Sorry to my younger or overseas readers who may not have a clue what a pint or an ounce is but I can get my head round most things, but litres and millie whatsits get me choking. 

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