Copyright 1999
Hi, glad you dropped by. My name is Trish, well Patricia really but thatís on account
of the Registrar making a mistake.  When mum went to register me, she had her
working outfit on and the Registrarís eyes almost popped out of his head and he
didnít pay a lot of attention to what mum was saying.

That was typical of mum in her younger days,always turned heads when she wasnít
turning a trick. She still has her collection of mini skirts and shorts although of course
she canít get into them these days. I used to try them on now and then and she gets all
sentimental when she looks at me saying it takes her back to Streatham Common and
all the nice times she had there. Of course Iíve outgrown them but Iím keeping them
for my kids which Iím sure Iíll have one day.

Iím starting to think, though, that Shane wonít be the father. Oh, Shane is my guy, has
been for about six months. I did think that he was the one but now heís started going
out with my brother Lionel, Iím not so sure.  When I say going out itís more like
going in, if you get what I mean. Shane says half the men on Paradise trailer park
have had him but I know that isnít true, Lionel just doesnít have the time what with
him fixing up his motorbike and singing in the choir at the Synagogue.

Oh, didnít I tell you, Lionel is half Jewish and heís only my half brother. Still
humping a half brother is a bit off and Iíve told Shane so. Gave him an ultimatum me
or my brother. He says heíll think about it. Of course when Lionel goes off on one of
his trips to Brighton, Shane is all over me and itís difficult to say no because I do
fancy him like mad and after all Iím only young once so what the hell. 

Of course when Lionel is around, I canít get much from Shane so I have to make do
with Earl. Now Earl is OK but he does have a wife and kids and I guess that takes it
out of him at times. His wife Tracy is my best friend, ĎTrish and Traceí they called us
at school. We tell each other everything, she donít know about Earl and me, of
course, but she knows everything important. Earl and me have it off on Fridays when
Trace is working at the Wimpy bar. Sheís a great girl, Trace and I wouldnít hurt her
for the world so I always make sure Earl uses something, donít want any
complications although Earl makes a great father.

Trace does say that for some reason Earl canít always manage it on Friday, but it
donít matter as she gets it the other six days and even twice on Sundays. Working at
the burger place makes her tired anyway. Mandy at the hairdressers says Trace is at it
with Duke, the spotty kid from the estate who fries the burgers but I canít imagine
anyone wanting to do it with someone who always smells of fried onions even if he
does drench himself in Superdrug Cold Ice aftershave for men.

Of course Mandy wouldnít understand that. She and Ahmed from the Curry House
have been seen behind the KwikSave more than once and Ahmed is a real hunk but
the spices do cling. I could never understand why Old Spice was so popular, silly
name for it if you ask me.

Anyway back to Shane. I met him though Trace, He and her had a thing going back in
school but she soon packed him in when Earl came along and showed her lotís of
things Shane had never even heard of. She passed Shane on to me  but I soon moved
on and it was years before we met up again . I do credit him though with teaching me
a few things. For example, I always thought oral sex was what my mum did on the
telephone. You know, guys ring up and she keeps them hanging on as long as possible
with all kinds of sexy talk running up their bills at 50p a minute.

The poor sods think sheís a sixteen year old schoolgirl, telling them what she has on
under her school uniform. If they could see the forty year old scrubber in a tatty
dressing gown wearing dodgy knickers, they are really talking to, they would end up
impotent for the rest of their lives.

Mum says itís easy money thought, she can make spaghetti Bolognese and talk dirty
all at the same time.  Iím sure she imagines the guys who ring all look like Tom
Hanks ! Lassie more like !  Most of them are probably spotty urchins like Jason,
Lionelís friend. Jason might ring. Heís a nerd and no girl would ever fancy him
although Trace told me once that Earl had told her that he was hung like a horse. How
Earl knows, I didnít ask. Looks like a horse, in my opinion. Still might be worth
finding out, after all there is that old proverb about the fire not caring what the poker
look like as long as it gets poked. Perhaps next time Lionel goes to Brighton, Iíll ask
him over. After all with Shane getting distracted and Earl only free on Fridays, I do
have some spare time.

I donít want to give up my Tuesdays though. Thatís the day I work at the Ranch. Well
itís a converted shop off the High Street really that Mr. Holstein has done up real nice
as a private health club, you know a sauna for tired business men with personal
services and all that.  I do Tuesdays to keep my hand in as it were. Pays well, I have to
say and the harder the work is the more I earn.  Shane came in once, I saw him from
my cubicle where I was sorting out Mr. MacHenry from the betting shop. Molly took
care of him. Funny though, if heís humping Lionel, how come he came to the Ranch
and why pay when Iím practically offering him double Tesco club points.

Afterwards, Molly said for once she actually enjoyed herself with a client. Tell me
about it ! Still sheís a good friend and she did tell me a few things about Shane I
didnít know, like a spot near his left nipple which drives him wild. Funny she seems
to have found out a lot about him in such a short session. 

When I got home Lionel was in his room with the door locked and Shaneís bum bag
was on the kitchen table. Sometimes I could kill my brother. Funny old life though
when you think about it.

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