Hi,it's me again.
Hope Lionel and co haven't bored
you too much while I've been out. Fact is I dropped into Tesco's
to have a chat with Wanda who works on the checkouts. Wanda used to be
my best friend, before Trace that is. She fell out with me over boyfriends,
what else ?
See, she was going out with Wayne
cause she liked his name and she did have ambition once to go on the stage.
She's a bit of a singer, does the karioki all over the place. Anyway, she
thought that Wanda and Wayne would sound good as a name for her act. Trouble
was, Wayne couldn't sing for toffee. Now to be honest Wanda can't sing
either but with the echo turned up on the Karioki machine she is no worse
than anyone else.
Now I quite fancied Wayne. I mean
the name is daft but even in my moments of highest passion I never use
a guy's name. Too easy to get mixed up in the heat of the moment and then
you are in real trouble. Of course having a bit of fun with your best friend's
boyfriend can also get you into hot water, but only if they find out.
Wanda found out because Shane found
out. Remember Shane ? he's my current boyfriend well part time boyfriend
on account of both mum and my brother Lionel having a stake in him, if
you know what I mean. I was reaching the highest level of passion Shane
was capable of giving me one night when I did the unforgivable. I shouted
out Wayne's name. In fact, I think I shouted out more than his name and
of course it put Shane right off. Left me in midair he did. That's terrible
for a girl to be all roused up and then abandoned.
Shane accused me of having it off
with Wayne and try as I might he would not believe me when I said it wasn't
true. I've never been a good liar. Could never be an estate agent or a
Politician. Funny how being a good liar helps in so many professions. Mandy
at the Ranch where I work sometimes says that in her line of work,
having the ability to lie to clients is her biggest asset. Even the Vicar
apparently tells all those daft enough to go to his 'Happy and fulfilling
marriage classes' that constant lying is the secret of a happy marriage.
The following day, Shane goes down
to the George and Dragon, that's the pub just behind The Taj Mahal chip
shop, and halfway through Wanda's stirring rendition of 'I did it my way'
stands up and shouts out 'and your mate, Trish, did it her way with your
Wayne.' Of course being a real trooper, Wanda went on until the end of
the song and some say it was her best performance ever, all tearful and
emotional. She couldn't get off the stage for the applause. In fact she
was torn between cashing in on her sudden popularity and having a go at
'I will survive' or thumping the hell out of Shane.
In the end, it all sorted itself
out because Wayne appeared and all innocent like, because he hadn't heard
Shane's outburst, went up on the stage and put his arms round Wanda. She
gave him hell, thumped him stupid and the audience loved it. Best night
ever was Lionel's opinion. He even scored with the new barman, an Irish
lad called Manfred. Wanda was banned from the place after that, she split
up from Wayne and she dumped me, her best friend. Last time I heard she
was working on a cruise liner in somewhere called the Caribbean. Cleaning
toilets probably but who knows. Maybe customers on cruise ships are less
fussy than those down the George.
I can't say I miss her much, Trace
is much more fun and I don't have to listen to her sing all the time. I
saw Wayne a few more times, not that Shane knew about that, but we drifted
apart and he moved in with some posh bird from South London with her own
council house and three kids. Said it would cost too much to keep coming
back to see me and anyway there was plenty of talent in South London. See,
fellows ! They just want one thing, a quick shag as long as there isn't
any effort involved. Ah well must go. See you.