Copyright 1999
Hi there,

Great news. Lionel has got a job ! I know, I could not believe it myself but there you are,
the lazy buggar is at last a fully paid up member of the working class.

It's not a bad job either. In fact I'm a bit bloody  jealous because it's the sort of job I
always fancied. Better than trying to get some life out of  the half dead bodies who drag
theirselves into the Ranch health centre anyway. 

What sort of job ? Well you arenít going to believe this in a million years but heís only
gone and got himself taken on as an airline steward. That's right, our Lionel. Of cause heís
had practice. He sometimes goes to a place called the Bromptons where he tells everyone
he is an airline steward. I suppose that gave him a head start. 

Actually, it started when he was giving head in the toilet at the Bromtons to some Greek
guy. Turns out that Staminos, that's the Greek guy's first name by the way, had pots of
money and fancied owning his own airline. Of course Lionel thought he was telling
porkies like all the others. You wonít believe what people say about themselves in that
place. If you believe what they say, Lionel has had it off with film stars, footballers, mass
murderers and even a sex change grannie who was into leather.

Seems this guy was new to the place and was absolutely one hundred percent genuine. He
had this idea that as most of the passengers flying to Amsterdam were men who have sex
with men, to use the politically correct vernacular, he thought, why not a gay airline. So
Easycumjet was born.

All his planes, well he only has one at present but he is determined to get bigger, are
painted pink and have his home phone number on the side. He found an airport near
Brighton, well actually it was an old RAF aerodrome the locals used as a cruising ground,
and he bought it. He had a gang of lesbian builders fit out an old hanger as his own
exclusive terminal. Lionel says it's a real change from Gatwick, Luton and all those other
boring places. 

The bar area is almost completely dark which makes reading the departure screens really
easy. ĎCheck iní is more like Ďcheck outí as the boys behind the desk need to ensure that
passengers really are gay. They don't ask daft questions like, "did you pack this yourself
sir ? Instead they take one look at the passenger's, hairstyle, his clothes and the way he
stands in front of the desk and suss him out in one go.

Non gay passengers are redirected to one of the other airlines who aren't so fussy about
who they carry. Once on board there are lot's of drinkies to get everyone in the mood and
no less than ten toilets which are large enough for two so queuing isn't the problem it is on
other operators. Duty free condoms, lubes and poppers are offered in flight and the videos
they show, well itís a wonder the movement of the passengers jerking off doesnít disturb
the navigation.

Lionel showed me his uniform.Staminos designed it himself. It has a studded leather top
with a frilly skirt like those camp Greek palace guards wear.  Underneath itís pure cotton
jockstraps, bare legs and boots. Lionel wore it once at Bromptons and couldnít cope with
the rush. Mind you no one believed he was an actual air steward in that get up. More like
some kind of pervert. .

So far the airline has been a big success and the biggest job has been getting cleaners.
Staminos says he may have to stop the videos if he canít find staff with a sense of humour.
Of course British Airways have tried their dirty tricks, hacking into the ĎZipperí mailing
list and offering free vibrating dildos to readers who fly BA.  Lionel showed me one. They
are shaped like Concord and made of rubber with folding wings to help it through the
barrier.  Personally I prefer the real thing when I can find it, Shane and Earl are both a
disappointment at the moment.

Even Virgin hacked the booking computer and offered their own vibrating dildo. This one
was shaped like a cola bottle but after one passenger got one stuck, Richard Branson got
cold feet and left for a six month trip in his balloon. 

I donít know how long Lionel will last though. Heís already finding it all a bit exhausting
with stop overs in the Thermos Night Sauna (paid for by Easycumjet), up to a hundred
guys on every flight making demands on him and the price of beer at Bromptons reaching
new heights every month, itís all a bit much. I give him about another six weeks, then it
will be back to stopping in bed, down the Social and visiting Winston.

Ah well, off to work. Itís a two for one night at the Ranch so Iíll be exhausted when I get
home. Those old boys seem to find extra energy when they get something for nothing.
Dirty buggars.

Top of page      Trish Index