Copyright 1999

I think weíve known each other long enough now for me to let you into a little secret.
Trish is a mother, an unmarried mother, in fact an unmarried mother without a child.
There, it wasnít too hard to tell you. I had the poor little sod adopted. Mr and Mrs
Chan at the Taj Mahal Take Away are looking after it.

Best really especially as Mr. Chan is the father although naturally Mrs Chan donít
know that. Childless they were so I sort of did them a favour. How did it happen ?
Well Iíd gone in for a bit of haddock after Earl had left. Well you know, you get a sort
of empty feeling inside afterwards, donít you, and Mr. Chan does do exceeding good

Lionel wonít touch Mr. Chanís fish, says he cooks it in the same oil he uses for
sausages and itís not kosher. I never could understand Lionel, sometimes he will eat
pork pies and other times he comes over all orthodox. Comes from only being half
Jewish I suppose. I notice that heís not fussy about his friends. They arenít Jewish and
god knows what he puts in his mouth when heís with them.

Anyway, while we were waiting for the Haddock to fry, Mr Chan suggested we go
into his little back room and sit down, only there werenít no chairs so we had to do it
on the floor. I must admit I was a bit curious about finding out if what they say about
oriental men was true. Earl says that what they say about oriental girls is definitely
not true but he was pissed out his mind the only time he went with one. Well he
thought he was with one but it was one of those Boogie Street girls from Singapore
over here on an exchange visit organised by one of them loony left councils. Perhaps
thatís why my best friend, Trace is a bit worried about what might happen when her
pre-op trannie goes post-op. 

Anyway, Iíd say that Mr Chan was about average at least average compared with the
blokes I meet, but he did take longer than expected and he burnt the Haddock so I got
it free .I paid for the chips though in case there was any misunderstanding. His shopís
only called the Taj Mahal, by the way, because he bought it off a couple of
Bangladeshi brothers who got put in prison for serving food with mouse droppings in
it and he was too mean to redecorate. So now itís still the Taj Mahal and it does
mostly fish and chips but if you insist Mr. Chan does his best with a Chicken Tikka
Masala although I wouldnít recommend it. Itís got a bit of a fishy taste.

When little Charlie arrived, thatís the babyís name by the way, even my mum could
see that the father wasnít Caucasian or black so she fixed up a kind of unofficial
adoption with Mr. and Mrs. Chan. She didnít know he was the father either, our part
of London being very cosmopolitan and me being well known for putting it about a
bit. We put Mr. and Mrs Chanís names on the birth certificate and they gave us a
years supply of vouchers for free Haddock. Mum changed it later for Scampi when
she decided to move her image more upmarket after a punter took her to a Harvesters
for the first time.

Have you ever been to a Harvester ? No I havenít but Iím told they are really nice.
Very upmarket with salads which donít just have lettuce,tomato and beetroot in them
but carrots and all sorts of exotic bits and pieces. They even have three or four salad
creams not just Heinz.  They even have brown bread rolls.Very posh !  Shane keeps
promising to take me every time a discount voucher gets pushed through the door, but
we never seem to make it. His favourite night out, is a few pints and Chicken in a
basket down the Plough. I tell him that Chicken in a basket is very nineteen seventies
and he says that they knew a good thing in those days didnít they.

The other problem with the Plough is that Father Pat and the Vicar prowl around there
a lot. I donít know about you, but I think vicars and priests should stay in their
churches, then we would know when to find them on the odd occasion we need them
for a funeral or a wedding. Itís very unsettling when they wander round trying to get
in touch with ordinary people.

Well I must dash, Iím doing a bit of baby sitting for the Hensons, Georg and Dotty
that is. They actually live in a house since they won on the lottery and once they have
left for the Dog track, Iíve got Jason coming over for seconds. They have just bought
a big water bed in their bedroom so it will be fun. I donít have any problem with their
kids, Davin and Davina, I just lock them in their bedroom with a bag of crisps and a
Coke. Itís the first time Jason has been there but Iíve had Shane and Earl over. Not at
the same time of course, but who knows maybe one day if I could trust them to keep
their hands off each other. Iíve had that happen before with two fellows and I just got
ignored. You just canít trust them can you ? 

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