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THIS PAGE IS DEDICATED TO THE MEMORY OF PHIL STARR WHO DIED IN 2005. HIS GREAT SKILL WAS TAKING THE CORNIEST JOKES AND MAKING PEOPLE LAUGH AT THEM. HE WILL BE SADLY MISSED.


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TO START OFF WITH 
SOME REALLY BAD JOKES 
TO SET THE MOOD

What do Japanese queens do when they have an erection ?
Vote

What's the difference between an onion, red chillies and a 12" dick ?
Nothing, they all make your eyes water

Have you ever heard of the queen they call Computer Man. He only has three and a half inches and it's always floppy.

Sam is an eighty year old gay man with a very young boy friend who is a great musician. Last year he gave him an antique organ for for his birthday.

A gay friend of mine was a real slut. One night he picked up a really handsome butch bit of trade in a bar, took him home, lay with his legs up on her trade's shoulder but as he entered her she felt very little sensation.
"Bloody hell," she screamed, "you've only got a little organ"
" Well I didn't know I'd be playing in the Albert Hall" he  snapped back.

A queen called his local chinese restaurant to order some food.
When they answered he asked if the person who answered was Wang-King, the Manager.
"No" the man replied "I'm Foo-King, the Chef"
"In that case" the queen retorted " cancel the order, I'll come over in person.

What's the difference between a used car tyre and a thousand used condoms ?
One's a Goodyear and the other is a fucking good year !

What's the difference beweeen a huge fat queen and a skateboard ?
They are both fun to ride but you wouldn't want your friends to see you on either.

A gay workman had taken a taxi home because he had a heavy bag of tools with him. On the way the taxi broke down and the driver lifted the bonnett and started to fiddle with the engine.
The workman trying to be helpful called out " do you want a screwdriver ?"
"Yes" the driver replied "But let me fix the engine first !"

The young mixed up queen was halfway through her session with a psychiatrist when she called out "Kiss me, Kiss me, Kiss me"
"Certainly not " the psychiatrist replied " That would be unethical. I shouldn't even be screwing you !"

What's the difference between a slut and a bitch ?
A slut will sleep with anyone, a bitch will sleep with anyone except you

A worried but rather dim queen was being examined at the clap clinic.  The doctor poked around for a few minutes they asked "When did you last have a check up"
The queen looked quite shocked. " Well, never" she said "I've had Poles, Romanians, Greeks and Turks but never a Czech"

The pretty young queen had to visit the doctor. A nurse showed him into the consulting room and asked him to undress behind a screen. a few minutes later he heard the doctor come into the room.
"Where shall I put my clothes ?" he asked
"On the chair, next to mine" the doctor replied

Whats the difference between a ten pin bowling ball and a very well used passive rent boy ?
You can only get three fingers into a bowling ball

What do you call a gay milkman ?
A dairy queen

Have you heard about the gay man who was fired from his job at the sperm bank for drinking on the job ?

Why is a guy you pick up on Hampstead Heath like a snow storm ?
You don't know how deep it will get, how long it will last or when it is coming.

Have you heard about the guy who was cruising on Hampstead Heath and he came across an elephant.
What did he do ?
Pulled his pants back up, wiped the cum off the elephants back and walked away. 

How can you tell the head nurse in a hospital ?
By the dirt on his knees.

One queen to another. "I didn't sleep with my boy friend until he agreed to move in with me. Did you ?"
"I don't know" replied the other "What's his name"

Two leather queens were making out on the Heath. "Put your finger inside me said one" The other obliged
"Now another" the first queen said moaning with pleasure
"Put your whole hand inside me"
"Now the other hand"
"Now clap"
"I can't the second queen protested
"Tight, eh ?" the first queen said smiling.

What's the difference between litter and a Brighton Queen
Sometimes litter gets picked up

What's long, hard and full of semen
A submarine.

Heard about the gay guy with a 4 inch dick who advertised on the net he had 12" to offer. When he met guys he fucked them three times.

What's twelve inches long, six inches in diameter and white ?
Nothing I've ever seen.

Hear about the rich queen whose boy friend used goldplated condoms. he liked coming into money.
 

 

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CHRISTMAS CRACKER JOKES

What do you call a lesbian with long, thick fingers ?
Well Hung.

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Virginity is like a balloon, one prick and it's all gone.

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What's the best thing about getting blow job from a young queen ?
Ten minutes silence.

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Dr. Watson is working away one day when suddenly he is hit on his head and becomes unconcious. When he wakes up, he is stripped naked and bent over a chair. Sherlock Holmes is squeezing a lemon and the juice is running all over his buttocks.

"My god, Holmes What are you doing ?" cries Doctor Watson.

"Lemon entry, my dear Watson, Lemon entry !"

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JOKES EVEN THE MAKErS OF CHRISTMAS CRACKERS WOULD NOT USE

A blind queen decided to go paragliding and took her poodle with her. A friend asked her how she would know when she was near the ground.

"Well dear, that's why I take the poodle. I put him on a long lead and throw him out of the plane first before I jump". The queen replied

"How does that help ?" the friend asked.

"Well" the queen explained patiently "When the lead goes slack, I know I'm near the ground"



What's the difference between a young queen and the man from Del Monte ?
The man from Del Monte, he sometimes says No
AND...I'M AFRAID THEY GET WORSE !

Although she didn't have a car, a friend of mine, Nigel, paid her subscription and joined the AA.

When I asked the silly old tart why she had bothered she said it was because the adverts say they always know a man who can.



Whats the difference between a customer in the Colherne and Sooty ? Well, my friend Kaz, says you can only get one hand up Sooty

Do you know what the best selling pair of men's knickers in Clone Zone have written on the back ? 
Next !


An Essex queen was just entering a guy he had picked up at Bulk."What a lovely big arse" he said "What a lovely big arse"
"No need to say it twice" his rather large conquest said.
"I didn't" the Essex queen replied, "it's the echo."
AND WORSE
What's the similarity between Mikhail Gorbachev and  gay guys from London ?
They all got screwed on Holiday.

How does in Rent boy make love ? 
In the mercenary position.

The difference between an ex pupil at Eton and the Titanic is that fewer people went down on the Titanic

The biggest attraction for most gay men vsiting London are the policemen and their large shiny helmets.

What's the difference between a first time shag and a washing machine ?
You can dump your load in a washing machine and it doesn't follow you around for a week.
MY GOD WHERE DO THEY COME FROM ?
What's the difference between a young queen and Margaret Thatcher ?
No young queen would ever get fucked by men in gray suits.

Why don't gay guys have any time for Father Christmas ?
Because he only comes once a year.

Why is a gay man who likes virgins a lot  like the Starship Enterprise.
They both love going where no man has ever been before


My friend Mortimer decided to stand for parliament because someone told her the House of commons had 650 members and they were all thick pricks.

What is a young queen's idea of romance ?
Getting a lift home afterwards.

Whats the difference between a Sailor on the Royal Yacht Brittania and the grand old Duke of York ?
The Grand Old Duke of York only had ten thousand men.

What does a young queen do with her arsehole after having had sex ?
Ask him to drive her home.

Did you hear about the fashion queen who asked what she thought about the Green Belt said she didn't think it would go with her pink trousers.

The same queen was known around the clubs as Oliver Twist because she kept asking for more.

Oh no, not another Merchant Ivory costume drama !

TOP OF PAGE


 
MORE REALLY SILLY JOKES

tWO OLD QUEENS WERE SITTING ON A PARK BENCH WHEN A FLASHER WALKS UP TO THEM. hE YANKS OPEN HIS RAINCOAT AND EXPOSES HIS MANHOOD TO THEM.

one old queen has a stroke straight away. the other one couldn't quite reach.

What's the similarity between a  gay man and floor tiles ?
LAY THEM RIGHT THE FIRST TIME AND YOU CAN WALK ALL OVER THEM.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A GAY MAN AND A 747 ?
THE 747 ONLY HAS ONE COCKPIT.

HAVE YOU NOTICED THE DIFFERENCE BETwEEN A GAY MAN AND A ROOSTER ?
 THE ROOSTER WILL SAY 'COCKA DOODLE DOO' WHILE THE GAY MAN WILL SAY 'ANY COCK'LL DO'

What does a gay man do to relieve stress ?
Change hands

Why do gay men wear Calvin Klein underpants ?
To keep their ankles warm 

What is the difference between a gay man and a bus.?
A bus comes before you jump on it.

What do you call a queen who has sex with ten men a day ?
An under achiever

Whats the difference between a gay old queen and an ironing board ?
It's difficult to get an ironing board's legs apart

Did you hear of the queen who stuck viagra in his ear and afterwards suffered from being hard of hearing.

Did you hear of the queen who dissolved viagra in his beer because he wanted a stiff drink

London in the eighties
A trip around some long gone venues

The cottages of Merrie Old England

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